Life's choices
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2004-08-12 17:04:36 (UTC)

Happy Birthday to me?

Fuck, fuck, fuck...what a great day to have a birthday.
How the fuck am I supposed to marry this man if he can't
even get my birthday right. The single most important day
to me, the single validation that I exist in this fuckwit
world and I get awaken at 6am to get me groove on (which
frankly at 6am, I am barely getting my brain cells to
cooperate witht eh fact that another day had come). Very
soon after he leaves bidding the unavoidable "Happy
Birthday by the way" and I am left in my bed having a 4 day
old piece of cake and watching "Sex and the City" rerun.
He is the only one close enough to me that I have left and
he knows how important this particular birthday is to
me...shit, even John did not forget and provided more moral
support than he did. I do not get it. I am back to square much much and no emotional release.
I can not even talk to him without him freaking out on me.
Do not touch not speak to me...I am tired...I am
busy...why the fuck am I in this relationship...why? I
catch myself asking this question more and more often as US
seems to fail to exist. Am I so afraid to be alone that I
would sacrifice my happiness...can I be without him and not
feel the void inside. I want all those things that come
with being with him...stability and instability at the same
He keeps telling me that he wants a smart woman, but the
further I go, more I think that he wants a deaf mute by his
side, who would bare his children, clean his house and give
him an occasional pleasure.
Am I being fair or I am just so hurt that I see only bad
right now. I ahve to physically separate myslef from him,
let myself time to think things through and then decide
what to do.
Back to what bothers me today, right this minute. This
would probably go down in history as the worst birthday
ever. I am all alone. What was it that John said
today...take away the reason why you do things and see what
your are left with...see how you feel. Numb, just very
numb and hurt...but hurt has a reason...and if I take away
the reason what am I left with?
I can not talk to anyone about this, I can not even show
that I am in pain. It's my birthday, right? So I should be
happy,right? What would make me happy today? Sadly I know
the answer, as masochistic as it is.
Fuck all is too short for shit like this. I
can't think about it today...I'll think about this tomorrow.

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