Angel

DayDream Believer
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Ezoic
2004-08-12 14:22:33 (UTC)

Hot in here

The weather is great, Im spending so much time outside as I
possible can, and the sun is good for my mood as well. Im
feeling great!
Exept from one episode with my father, innvolving the police
(all right it was a verry bad weekend when it comes down to
him), he have been doing all right the last days.
Im trying to cope with everything, cause Tommys mother is
drinking like crazy, got some nerve problems and are not
able to take care of Emma. Some times I get to angry with
her and her family for not doing anything that I let the
anger out on Tommy. And I know its wrong, from the bottom
of my heart I know its not his foult that his mother is
drinking, and there is nothing else he wants that that she
stops, but stil sometimes the anger just take kontroll over
me.
And Im not a verry angry person, belive me. I just want to
screm to them all, DONT YOU UNDERSTAND IT? SHE IS USING YOU
ALL, AND YOU SUPPORT HER DRINKING BY ALLWAYS SUPPORTING HER
WHEN SHE ASK FOR IT, FULL OF NERVES AND "REGRET" THE STUPID
THINHG SHE DID, THAT WONT HAPPEND AGEN. (my ass) SHE NEEDS
TO GET HER SELF TOGHETER, OR GIVE UP EMMA, AND LIVE HER
LIFE LIKE SHE WANTS.
Im so feed of this, that one day it will probobly just come
out, even though I hope not.
Im trying to see them as little as possible, its just to
false. Im not saying that my family is better, just that I
cant chose my own family, but I can chose this. And if what
it takes to be a part of the family is to live with her
drinking, when I chose not to be a part of it.
Tommy knows this. Of course its not easy, or fair on him
eather. And I wish things where driffrent but they are`nt.

I feel like this diary has become full om my I-hate-our-
partents-drinking place and not a place for much else at
this time.
But this is what I deal with, allmost everyday.
A few weeks ago, me and Tommy was invited to a party with
some friends, and I was SO looking forward to it, be
soscial and do what normal young people do (party!)
At daytime, we where supose to have Emma. Then the day
before, her mother tells us we dont have to. Tommy says we
had a deal and made her say we should have her. Next day we
go to pick her up, his mother and Emma have been sleeping
at a friend frowm work, thats a whole nother chapter.
We see Emma and her child outside and no adults come out
and check on them the 20 minuts we are there.
They are verry near the sea and the place is not children
proof.
Tommy ask me if they ever would have noticed if we just
took her, but she have no shoose, shes playing in dirty
socks, so its out of the question. Eo go inside in a house
so dirty that O held my hands up, like a bimbo terrified
that something else that my shoes tuch anything. The two
woman are imbarresed that thay did not know we had been
there for 20 minutes alone with the kids.
Thay say, just keep her until tomorrow. We have no extra
clothes for her, not her special milk, and a party to go to
tonight. So we say, our aggrement was to have her until
this afthernoon.
We have her all day, when we ring the bell at their home to
return her, noone is there, the door is not locked and
there is a LOT of monny in the kichen table. We go to
theirgandmother, now we`re in a hurry, since we have an
appointment.
She said she was going home from the friend, and that we
should return Emma there.
The mother is there slleping, no one let us know. Emma
wants to see her mama, but the grandmother tells her to let
her sleep.
We goes, hurry, hurry, change clothes and go to the buss.
On the party I call home because I did not had the time
previous that day, and I was supose to. Then I force out of
my mum that my father is drinking agen, this was the first
time afther the hospital that I knew of. I was devestaded,
do you belive that I wannted to go bacxk inside and party
and drink?
Not at all, but I managed to recover in a while and had a
great time buy the end of the night.

Kelly is moving. She was exeptet at a school in a nother
city. I`ll have to visit her going by train or plane. We`re
been thogeher a lot lately, going to cafees and stuff, Im
gonna miss her, she`s my best friend. But there are phone
and e-mail ofcourse. Cessy is stil here, I have not seen
her much letaley, but now at lest I`ll get the time tom it.
And now I have a new friend from work, shes a little bit
crazy and I love it! Im not, so I could need some exitment
in my life, hehe. Excitment in a good way of course, not
innvolving children and parents.
See, now I got back to the topic.Im starting to belive that
there is something wrong with me. Maybe they are all
right, and I am overdoing it when it comes to partents and
drinking in front of children.
Why else wuld no one do somthing, statistics belive that up
to 1/4 of children have partents that drink to much if
front of them from time to time. 1/4 that is the normal of
a population isnt it?
Back to the though of me beeing something wrong with, and
drunk partents not. Im starting to belive that maybe I
should seek tharapy about it. We have a schools psycologist
at uni.
He would prbobly totally missunderstand if I`ll go there
saying that I have a problem with alcohol. Im not an
allcoholic, Im the total opposite, what does that make me?
These are thoughts Im struggling with a lot with lately. Im
I wrong?, should parents be allowd to be drunk if front of
their children?
Im not talking about a glass of wine to dinner, thats
complete driffrent. Im talking about parents change their
personality because of alcohol.

I have not told Tommy about the maybe I`ll go to terapy
thoughts yet. Maybe I wont, maybe I`ll keep it my secret.
We`re doing all right, but stil, if it had not been from
the condition at home, I would probobly have moved out and
found a place of my own.
He says his feelings are comming back, but Im not sure if I
want to hear that.
What I mean is, I thught that allready had happend months
ago, but then I turned out to be wrong. So what makes this
diffrent? I might as well be wrong about it this time as
well.
Im trying to become stronger, stronger when it comes to our
relationship. So that I can live a better way, and not
always be the person why cryes and get hurt, maybe he
should be for once.
Dont missunderstand, I love him verry much, but it goes to
a point in every relationship that...

Love Angel


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