friggie7779

Tales of a frigniggit
2004-08-11 14:14:40 (UTC)

The inevitable 'Rational Spin' sponsored in part by sobriety

Wow, sobriety. What a nice state of being sometimes.
And more often than not, the state of being that I always
fight to escape. Because it is here that I am really able
to think again, and go over in my head everything that I
just do not have the ability to mull over inebriated.

But sobriety is where I am at now, whether I want to be
here or not. So, let's think.

If you get right down to it, sobriety is not the clearest
state of mind to be in. It brings with it its own set of
conundrums, little tripping stones that you wouldn't
hesitate to walk over drunk (or high, if you prefer that),
things that muddle your senses and poison your soul just as
effectively, perhaps even better, than any drug known to
humans.

At least that's how it is for me.

The concept of the neo-soul was indeed a very pleasing
idea. Reading over what I read I couldn't help but think it
nothing more than someone trying to rationalize their
insufficiencies with irrationality. All too often I succumb
to such vices. It's easier to say that you couldn't help
it, that you are doomed to failure, and give a huge list of
the reason why that is, than take control of your life.
Because the minute you do that, you have to hold yourself
accountable for everything you've done, both right and
wrong.

I can't believe now that I am a neo-soul. Too much of the
things I am doing wrong fit into a pattern, a pattern that
feels so familiar to me, not just because I keep repeating
it, but because I keep wanting to resort back to it. That
evidence alone makes me believe that there is a strong
possibility that in another life, I've headed down the same
path. And that I've learned from it, but did not make the
correct alterations of my path to lead me away from
eventual misery and failure, but instead took the coward's
way out and left my karma for my next soul to bear.

That would just be so like me, wouldn't it?

I am afraid of the unfamiliar, of that which I have not
experienced before. But I am even more afraid of the
familiar personal hells I have been through, escaped, and
now only write about in retrospect. I don't want to visit
those places again. I don't want to make the same mistakes
again. Does that not show growth?

It would, but for the fact that I still do indulge in
pastimes that I know will bring me no peace at the end of
it all. Exactly what those are I'll not divulge here, for
fear that the wrong eyes will see what I've written. I know
what I am talking about though, and I don't need to come
out and say it to make me aware of it.

Getting high and drunk? People do this to escape, and to
achieve pleasure, albeit an artificial pleasure, and an
equally artificial escape. You cannot escape yourself. I've
said this to the point of broken-recordness, and yet even
now I am unsure as to how I am to take full control of
myself. So much of how I am is still not truly tangible to
me. The more I look into myself though, the less I like
what I see. Perhaps that's how it ought to be, but the fact
that I don't like doing it is the main reason why I am
shying more and more away from it. There's only so much of
yourself you can control. And that control is best done
while sober, and not tested or trifled with, especially in
such an unstable sort as myself.

Or perhaps the opposite is true.

The one true thing I know is this- I am further along my
path than I was twenty minutes ago, mainly because I have
put twenty minutes of my life into this entry that I will
never, ever, get back. And if I had them back, what good
would changing them do? Knowing then what you know now is
not a state of being you can place upon your past self.
Changing what you've done in the past is only delaying the
inevitable. Somehow you will do it, unless you know fully
why you should not. And how could you know why you should
not unless you do it, and suffer for it? Mistakes are
always the best way to learn. It's a cliche perhaps, but
one I hold true to my heart.

At least by making mistakes, your life won't be boring.

Damn, I'm too tired to think straight anymore.

I'm quitting for now.

So much for the 'Rational Spin.'

I'm no better sober than inebriated.

Eh, Che Sera Sera and all that cal.




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