Mims

The life of Mims
2004-08-08 21:17:20 (UTC)

Conflicts

Well, I have decided to be somehat more articulte here
with my moaning and self indulgent whining than the last
time.
I'm not going to talk about going back to college, because
I will just get depressed about my ability to express what
I mean to others, and also the fact that I never, ever
seem to be able to make a concise decsion about what I
want.
I don't know what I want these days.

I think, that is probably part of the problem.
I am very lonely most of the time these days, but I have
not a great deal of desire or drive to get into a
relationship.
I am going out of my tiny skull with boredom and
frustration, yet I can't seem to work myself up to do
anything about it.
I want to be by myself, but I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there
either.
I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep.

See what I mean? None of it adds up. I sit at home, and I
hate it, I'm away from the house, and I hate it. I'm on
the move and I hate it, I'm still, and I hate it. I guess
you get the picture. I can't be content.
At the moment what I am especially feeling is this wieght
of apathy crashing down. I don't want to do anything, but
doing nothing makes me unhappy as hell.
And I wish I could pinpoint it down to just one
thing....like
'It's because you are at home and you feel restless'
or
'You miss your friends from AC and the summer'
or
'South America has left you feeling dissilusioned'
Truth is, it's all of these thing and none of these
things, but whatever I do, I can't escape from this
feeling of utter futility and pointlessness in my life and
life in general. I can't get worked up about anything
anymore.
Today I was sitting in the car with my dad, doing the
whole driving thing, and I was looking up into the sky as
I switched into the drivers seat, everything was
completely grey, endless and strecthing. I couldn't have
picked a better analogy for the way I was feeling than
just exactly what I was looking at. It just felt like
nothing was clear, bright, or promising.
Just nothing....greyness. At that moment, I honestly did
not care what we were doing. Everything just seems so
pointless. Driving around in circles both literally and
symbolically in the car park.
I can't deal with things being in a routine and not being
in a routine...I didn't cope very well with being away,
and now I can't cope with being back.

I wish there was a betterway to explain myself than with
these endless list of illustrative contradictions, but
really there isn't. If I knew how to fix the way I felt, I
would in an instant, but of course I can't. I can put the
face on for being social, but it's too over the top to be
really me most of the time, and almost everything I do
leaves me feeling completely empty.

I'm beginning to think that it's probably not such a great
idea for me to stay here by myself when my family leave on
holiday. I will just sit here and get montumentally
ponderously stuck in a thought rut. But if I leave, to be
honest I shall hardly be all that much better. I'll just
be around people. It's always nice to be around my family
when thier depression lifts off (especially my father) but
it leaves me feeling despodent and out of touch when I
leave too.

Hmph. I don't really know what to do.

Last night as I was lying in bed, I was imagining how I
would feel if any members of my family suddenly died, or
got diagnosed with something horrible, again.
I don't know why I was doing it, but I stayed up thinking
about it until about 3 in the morning. I was imagining
going completely pshycotic and throwing things around, and
I had the strongest urge to go and smash all the plates
and crockery I could lay my hands on downstairs.
But I didn't.

The worst thing about feeling like this, is that you can
never imagine the other side of it. Like when I have been
so so happy and content in certain periods of my life, and
people have told me about how down they feel....of course
I was sympathetic, but I don't think I really completely
understood how that person was feeling, or picture myself
there. On the flipside, feeling totally invisible, useless
and...nothing, I can't really picture myself in a happy
frame of mind anytime in the future, or really understand
how to get there, or how people feel that.
I don't know what else to say.

Love M




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