Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-08-08 06:26:20 (UTC)

Going from Lemmings to Love?

It's 138am. A bright night. The winds died down. The scent
of a skunk is no longer in the air ... like it was a few
nights ago.

Today was alright. Worked out like I said I would. Body
feeling nice and tired. Anabolic metabolism undoubtedly,
working. Was able to do about 40% more crunches. Played
with the scanner a bit more today. I scanned my notes, as
well as my exam, and hand. I'm pretty amazed at the level
of quality. Although, the notes and exam scans were a
bit ... odd. Especially the notes. I guess it's because of
the level of detail. Perhaps the fact that something real
is turned into an approximation ... an approximation in
the order of pixels.

The blue tint of the digital image was also a bit odd. I
guess that was just cause of the scanner light being
reflected off the unusually white paper. Or something like
that. I was told that my handwriting was pretty good. I
thought that was a nice comment. Lisa was a bit ticked at
me for scanning a whole bunch of crap. I'm not sure why
she's so agitated, I mean ... it's technically my scanner.
And besides, I like playing with new toys. I guess she
might be mad cause I keep saying things like, I'm going to
scan this piece of paper I found under the couch. Or
inform her of my scanning of useless items. I guess she's
just a bit bothered I'll be clogging up her harddisk with
lots of useless images. I'm just fascinated with how well
the scanner works, because I plan on modding the scanner.
Maybe turn it into a digital camera of sorts. I read up on
how digital cameras work. A digital camera requires an
apeture as well as convex lenses to focus an image. The
apeture is required to control the amount of light that
enters the camera.

I plan on building an apeture so that I can turn the
scanner into a kind of huge digital camera. So far, the
image made from scanning of my hand tells me that I might
not need a convex lens to focus the light. Plus ... the,
scanner provides its own light. A rather intense one at
that. So I might just need to set the scanner upright and
maybe fiddle with some black cardboard in order to control
the amount of light passing into the scanner.

I think it would be pretty cool to turn the scanner into a
digital camera. Kill two birds with one stone.

I'm so fucking geeky.

The soft snoring in the background, beckons me to fall
asleep as well. I think I might.

Tomorrow is laundry day I think. Since today wasn't
laundry day. Also, we're getting my haircut tomorrow. I
can't wait. This long hair thing is really bothering me.
Plus, in about a week is the wedding-vow renewal thing.
Just enough time for my hair to grow out a bit and look
nicer than it is now.

The other day I was searching online for the game Lemmings
Paintball. It was a game released by Psygnosis in 1996. It
was basically part of their continuation of the Lemmings
Craze that hit the mid 90's. Lemming Paintball is
basically a game with Lemmings ... and paintball. By
today's standards, it's pretty pathetic. Actually by 1996
standards, it was still pretty pathetic. But at the time I
really enjoyed playing it.

I guess the only reason I mention it, is because the other
day I was playing Lemming online. A person went through
the trouble of recreating the whole lemmings game on a
website using DHTML, as well as a few other things. Since
I had never played Lemmings before, I thought I would try
it. It's something of a puzzle game, so I was hooked.

Then I remembered I use to play Lemmings Paintball. So I
searched around to see if i could find the now defunct
game. I did find the demo, and was playing it.

Odd how things kind of remind you of the past. Because
when I started playing that game, I wasn't reminded of how
much fun I had playing it in 1996 or whenever I had first
played it. Rather, I was reminded of the person I was
trying to teach how to play it. Naomi.

Ya that was one exercise in futility, if there ever was
one. She did find it amusing when the lemmings got hit
with the paintballs and made a little whining noise. And
when they got the flag, she was amused when the lemmings
cried, "Yipee".

Although, despite all the things she didn't really pay
attention to me about, I do find those memories to be
quite special to me.

I have noticed that lately, I have talked about her alot.
Considering how distant she is in my past, I wonder if it
is strange that I reminisce about her so much. Maybe a
sign that I can't let go of my past, no matter how much
time has gone by.

I'm way to young to be thinking of the past like that in
such a ... old way. I mean, the way I remember these
memories with a special fondness ... it's like I imagine
something similar or better will ever happen to me. Like,
I won't ever meet that same special person who I would
hang out and love like I did Naomi.

It's like I see my life then as my peak, and everything
from then on as downhill. A situation that I must rectify
quickly if I am to stay psychologically healthy.

Oh, but I am left at the same dillema plaguing me for many
years. Is my soulmate out there, and is she thinking of me
too? Even now?

Have I met her already, and is she thinking of me this
moment? Or have I yet to encounter her?

The problem with being truly open minded, and having a
long memory ... is that serious questions like this tend
to never get solved. The person who is truly open minded
can never solve their problems. Because every solution
presented will always have its antithesis. It's like,
every positive number has it's negative equivalent. Every
possible solution has it's counter solution.

And so, I'm reminded that I should probably just live my
life ... "normally" and things will work out in the end.
The sort of laissez-faire attitude to life. Personally,
this is somewhat disturbing to me. In a world of infinite
possibilities, ... chaos at every corner, ... such an
attitude is very, ... uh, laissez-faire.

Funny how the littlest thing triggers a memory from a long
time ago. Someone told me that they thought that they
looked too deeply into things ... searching for the true
meaning of things. Well, ... I think maybe my issue might
be a bit worse.

Would I marry Naomi? At the moment ... no. Just because, I
know that despite how much I love her, I know we're
incompatible. The damning thing is that she's probably
more compatible than alot of girls I've dated over the
years since Naomi. When I say I love Naomi, I don't mean
as in like ... romantic sort of love. It's a friendship
sort of love. Maybe a little more. But it's definitely not
a romantic sort. A love that's borne out of sharing a
significant portion of an otherwise impressionable part of
your life. Our teenage years.

Yes. That's it. It's called friendship. Actually, she is
like one of the few ex's that I still talk to and don't
absolutely hate. How odd.

So I suppose it's no real surprise what I want in life.
That is to be married and have a family. The cliche dream
of the Western world. A middle-class suburban home,
furnished with children, a dog, two-car garage, and a
spacious backyard.

Despite it being cliche, ... it appeals to me.

When I was young, I use to want to have children. Like, I
was maybe 16 at the time. I though that I was ready to be
a father and all. Fortunately, I didn't actually get
around knocking-up any of the girls I dated. At least ...
I don't think so. Yea, I'm pretty sure.

... Yep. I'm definitely sure.

Ok ...

But anyway, I've always wanted children. Although now, ...
if given the chance I'd probably not have kids yet.
Actually, the whole cliche dream ... I don't really see
that happening for me. I'm not sure if it's me being
pessimistic or if I really don't see it happening.

Actually, ... I guess I know what it is that bothers me.
It's because I haven't met the right person yet. Day to
day, I have this gap in my heart. This emptiness. This
loneliness. Despite all the people I surrounded myself
with, I can't ever find enough people to fill the gap. I
haven't figured out why yet. Maybe it's because I don't
open up quite easily to people. Not anymore at anyrate.

Now I'm ... quite isolated. An action on my behalf.

I think I do that because I'm waiting for the right one to
come to me. Um, now that I think about it ... that's kind
of a reckless attitude on my part. Well, relatively
speaking, it's reckless. I mean, ... I could actually end
up missing the "one". If there is such a thing.

But if that were true then, in theory, she would miss me
as well. So it's kinda like ... both our faults? Hm.
Interesting.

But anyhow, getting back to what I was saying. So, I think
I just avoid people because I reason that if the woman of
my dreams is out there then we will inevitably find each
other. Maybe one day she'll come by, disguised as a very
close friend of mine, and subtly hint to me that she loves
me very much. And voila. It's great enough to be a fucking
Disney script.

I guess I'll see how much longer my plan will work though.
I literally have ... uh, all my life I guess.

I think I need to sleep a bit. It's about 225am right now.
Plus, I think I need to get up early to get my haircut. I
really hate crowds. Intrusion of my personal space is
quite annoying and aggravating. Unless the person
intruding happens to be a sorority chick or Lindsay Lohan.
I wouldn't mind then.

Mmm. Lindsay Lohan.




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