Hollie bee

KiKi lAnd
2004-08-07 02:52:30 (UTC)

prewinter loathing

alright not that its a good thing that mAndi's away. but
for the past couple weeks ive just had my own spAce. i hung
out with danielle and chris and met some new people. Like
when we went to spring lAke, that was cool. And ive had
time to hAng out with brAd, jAck and Rossssssss...

i think im deeply schizophrenic...
i like hanging out with people lately..
like i enjoy.. the presence of people
haha i used to be the most antisocial dickface ever.
but... i like hanging out with brAd.. : )
and jack and ross are wikkid cool
but then i go to work.
i have friends there and stuff. and kevin told me tonight
that i seem really really more down than usual.
..like im always down. im depressed. but.. even moreso
that mAkes. NO sense.
i havent been myself lately ... i havent been as:
Pissed off
irritable
assholish
..sluty
wAsted
..as i should be.
i dunno. i keep on talking about this.
but i just.. cant really tell if i LIKE being the old me
or if like.. me chAnged.
i think its summer syndrome.
this what i was afraid of.
im going to get ALL sorts of normalized over the summer
but then in the winter-spring.
i will become an asshole again.

..I, hAb, being the Shitty piece of shit i am.
have the potential and uncontrollable tendancy to completly
Fuckifye Everything good.

Somehow i ended up here inbetween
where there is always the comfort
of knowing ill never be seen
WHEN I FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am preparing the hit the bottom of all bottoms this
winter.
Senior year. No plan in life.
and thousands of pounds of stupid shit caked into my mind.

oh my fAlse GOD do i fear winter...
everyday it draws closer
i can feel the DoWn crawling in me
Winter THRIVES off of my dArkness
it LOVES to Eat away at me
and i cant tell whats real
everything drags me down
the sky is so blue but for some reason its empty
the sun is millions of miles closer but i cant feel the
difference
its closer but it feels so far away..WHY??
it just seems So very PROMISING
its so huge in the sky and i want to feel a wave of heat
and i get whipped with frigid wind instead.
always picking myself back up for another disappointment
but i dont even care.. i let myself down so many times
i dont feel like getting back up.
somedays i feel like ... really good.
but then i realize how really bAd i am doing....
i Am doing bad..
i look really happy on the outside.
and i am i guess. i go out and have fun.
but i get home and its miserable.
it kills everything.

..i have like. 2 months to decide what i want to do with my
life. and i FUCKING hate people pushing college down my
THROAT... if i want to GO to college ill fucking look into
it more seriously. but i have no plans. Apathy has taken
control of me.
.......i just want to fall asleep and go away
::i should be ashamed of myself::
::takes a deep breath::
i dont know if i brought myself to this point on perpiss.
i dont know if theres only myself to blame
i see everything around me fall apart
and i fall apart as well.
---------------------------------------
all my mom talks about is how much she wants my dad to leave
and how Shitty he is
how Shitty their marraige has been for the past 5 years
she talks about selling the hosue all of the time.
talks about getting a boyfriend
talks about her personal.. business
while trying to pry into mine.
she tried to imply that im a slut the other day..
GAH she rubs shit in my FACE like that.
i go to say bye to her.
"oh you look like you want to get Fucked. pull your pants
up."
..yeh sorrie im too skinny to fit into clothes and im 10
times hotter than you'll ever be so fuck off "kinda deal"

i walk in her room shes in bed on the phone bitching and
moaning about her shitty life.
and i hear the SAME negativness everyday.
everything is NEGATIVE..
nobody around here can have any good vibe whatsoever
GAHHHH so thats why i hate being here
i love being ANYWHERE at ALL except my house.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i dont WANT to focus on this shit
but i have to deal with it EVERY god damn fucking SHITty day
im just SICK of having to be the one being piled with other
peoples issues.
i dont CARE if my dads parents hate my mom.
personally. i think they have some reason there.
BUT WHO FUCKING CARES.
becasue my parents cant get over that fact.
...this is retarded, i need Out




Ad: