blueswede

twenty years of dave

My past few entries have been rather lacking, I admit. That
is due at least in part to formulating entries out of stuff
that's colossally uninteresting to people other than me, for
example my beard and the nature of my nightmares. This one,
I actually have something worth saying.

I turned 20 just a little bit ago, at 8:30 PM Pacific Time,
on August the 4th, 2004. 20 years. That's about a fifth of
the maximum time I can realistically hope to pull down in my
life, and let's be real, 90 is a stretch in itself.

So I didn't really do anything special, mainly just went to
work and the gym and got some phone calls. I really wish I
could afford to take a day off in celebration, but given the
way work is winding down, it's best to just keep at it until
the very end. I'll probably celebrate in little ways during
my remaining time here, go bowling again or catch a movie or
something like that.

Of course, this does mark another year on the "delayed rites
of passage" calendar. Of course, I've also spent the summer
stepping up my "expedited rites of passage" calendar, adding
"first real job" to that. Unfortunately I think it's likely
the only entry there.

So yeah, as could be expected I got just a bit down about it
today. Despite what people say it isn't normal to be 20 and
have been single your entire life. It isn't bad, not by any
means, but it certainly isn't normal in the U.S. Now, does
it make me feel out of place? Only when the topic comes up,
which is why I generally try to avoid it with most people.

But I guess it would be just as unrealistic of me to expect
that things will stay this way forever as it would have been
for me to expect to be dating when I was 15. So my scale is
a bit longer than the ones most people have. Fuck it, does
anyone worth their salt care? Correct me if I'm wrong, but
doesn't it make more sense if I'm the only one who cares?

If I take stock of my life as a whole, instead of keeping my
focus just on that one little aspect, things don't look too
bad. I scored a high-paying, professional internship, I've
done well so far in college, and I have interests outside my
chosen professional field. So in a lot of ways I'm way the
hell ahead of other people.

Still, it's hard to look at things in that light when you're
20 years old and feeling a little lonely. I don't even know
where I am on any sort of measure of overall success. What
proportion of success is tied to which aspects of life? Who
really knows? It probably changes as you get older.

I guess, all things considered, I should probably just stop
worrying about it and try to let things work themselves out
and hope for the best. If nothing else it's gotta be easier
than being frustrated all the time.

This is Dave, signing off.