Ode to a psycho!HA!
2004-08-05 05:35:54 (UTC)

Promise Ring

When someone tells you that you're the best thing that's happened to them in
a long time, wether or not it's actually true, you tend to believe him, I mean
them. I mean it's not really the sort of thing you're going to really question.
Especially when someone tells you numerous times. Lately things have been
really hard for both Billy and I. Both on an individual scale and as a couple as
well. I think we've been put through some really difficult tests this summer.
And while we're both dealing with things on an individual scale I'm not too
sure yet how well we did as a couple. Billy's mother passed away earlier this
summer. I've tried so hard to be there for him every second. He always knows
he can just call me up and I'll be there. But I'm not so sure it's the same for
him. I leave to move to Tallahassee in less than 48 hours, and this week in
particular I think I've cried more than I have in the past fourteen months. I've
become soft, and I'm very vulnerable and my emotions come out very easily. (
I've become a cry baby) And I hate that feeling. About a week ago Billy and I
were at a park, and we had a long talk, and he asked me to make a vow to
him. A promise. And we promised eachother. and then a few nights later we
were tlaking on the phone, and I started crying ( which including the phone
time lasted hours and hours) I explained to him, obviously asuming he felt
the same way that next to my school work, he came next. Right up there with
my family, sometimes even above my closest friends, and certainly before
myself. I mean there are times when every person puts themself before
everything else, but not too often and certainly not all the time. I asked him if
He came first above everything else, and he said yes. I didn't know what to
do, I cried histerically.l I didn't know what else to do. And the more I think
about it, he never truely goes out of his way to do something nice for me. If
we have a fight, and I avoid touching him, he's not comforting, he doesn't try
to make me feel better. When I don't count on him calling he does, when I am
waiting and desparet for him to call he doesn't, and then isn't nice about it
when he does call. He almost always puts his friends first, or arranges things
so that he can be with his friends too.
Tonight we went to see the Bourne Supremacy. I had everything set up,
then he got off work an hour late then we missed the next movie time at
Regency, so then we drove to regal, and we were both a little pissed,( because
even though I asked him to go see a movie he told his friend that he would
go on a bike ride, so we were going to go to the early movie, and ended up
having to go to the late one.) So we go into the movie, and we sit down. Billy
always holds my hand at the movies, always. Our first date was to the movies,
and he held my hand. But I put my hands in my lap, just to see what he'd do,
how long it would take him to grab my hand, or put his arm around me. And
as I'm sitting there I started to think about when we first started dating, and
he always grabbed my hand to hold, and lean my head on his shoulder, and
he'd bring me presents just because he could. and he'd be romantic, and he
always made sure I was alright. And I started thinking that he doesn't do
those things anymore ever. and then I started to ask myself why he doesn't
do those things anymore? does he love me less, or was that all just some sort
of game, or maybe he loves me, but he just doesn't feel the same anymore,
and the thought of those things killed me, it's killing me this very moment,
and then the previews ended and I realized he still wasn't holding my hand.
Why wasn't he holding my hand?? Jesus, God, fuck, why the hell isn't he
holding my hand? PLEASE!!! please just hold my hand, please god, just hold
my hand. and the tears were pouring down my face, and hte movie went on,
and I tried to ignor it. It took everything in me not to just get up and leave the
theatre, and then a while later I tried putting my head on his shoulder to try
anad get him to comfort me, to try and get him to do anything, and he
didn't....... he just sat there. and I started to cry again, and I started to panic,
and I lightly pounded one of my fists into my thigh, and spread the other out
wide praying that he would take it, and he didn't... and he didn't... and then
finally when I had just about had it, I was just about done, he saw my hand
and grabbed it, and I couldn't stop crying. Because it shouldn't have mattered
that much. i shouldn't have waanted it that badly. But I did. I wanted it so
badly my entire body ached. I ached.
I leave for college in less than 48 hours. Tonight made me address alot of
things. Alot of personal issues I'm having to handle. There have been so many
times in the past few weeks when he has knowingly let me down, and seen
and heard me cry. He knows. He knows what I'm talking about.There is so
much to this story, I don't even know where to start. And it got me thinking
that if he loves me as much as he swears he does, and as much as I know in
my heart that he does, he needs to do something real fast to renew my faith
in him. He needs to sit down and think about what he truly wants out of this
relationship. He needs to decide what order he intends to prioritize the
people in his life. I'm sick to tears or crying. I don't want to cry anymore. and
he's the only person who can fix that. I love him so much. And the thought
that I need him so much really scares me, and I thinkn the only way to
continue things is if he shows me that he needs me too. And I pray to god
that he does. If things continue on the way they have been I'm not sure I'll
survive the winter.