Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-08-05 02:54:39 (UTC)

Fight

It's 1028am. It's night ...

So I can't make this long since I'm doing something else
at the moment. Yesterday, I had a fight with Lisa. It was
pretty ... fierce. I suppose, I was at fault here. But,
for the longest time I was too angry to admit it.

It's just made me realize how much this relationship isn't
working out between me and her. I suppose, I should have
figured that out a long time ago.

I didn't work out today, since I was resting my muscles.
It's a relatively new concept for me. I would be otherwise
working out non-stop. I certainly can do it, but I'm
afraid of catabolic breakdown. It would be a negative
towards my goal.

The more I live ... the more I am with myself, and with
Lisa, ... people, the therapist ... the more I am
depressed. My current situation is, ... depressing. Not
for any sort of biochemical reason. Although ... I
sometimes that was the case. It might be too.

Rather, the more I am exposed to life the more I begin to
realize that I am slowly becoming more of the stubborn old
man. The cliche old man who lives next door to you and is
rather angry at the world for some supposed wrong that
happened many years ago. I guess I am slowly becoming that
man, ... but a sort a different one. Instead of being
angry at the world, I am more ... stoic.

I see what comes for me, ... with every person I talk
to, ... everything I experience, ... the eventuality,
the ... inevitability of my circumstances is as obvious as
a train in hurtling towards you in broad daylight. I am
neither panicked, nor do I really care anymore. I suppose,
if this were any other person I would expect them to ...
be anything but calm.

I guess maybe I'm just depressed at the moment. The one
person who was suppose to love me, ... was so mad at me.
And even though it's been 24 hours since then, I still
can't shake it. How could someone who loves me so much, be
so angry? Maybe that's just it. Maybe people can only
reach those sorts of level by loving someone so much in
the first place.

Sort of like, how someone feels hurt and depressed when
som eone else doesn't quite have feelings for them. You
feel a sort ... hurt. A sort of emptiness. The pang of
emptiness caused when you've put someone in a spot in your
heart, and then ... they say they no longer want to be in
that spot.

Fuck, I used the word "heart". How cliche.

Um. Maybe soul is a better word.

All I know is that to be with someone like that, ... is to
really hurt. I actually thought of getting out of the
house and just leaving. Just never going back. But I know
myself well enough. I'm ultra sensitive, and the things I
feel tend to be ... exaggerated. By alot.

I hope that's whats happening right now, and that I'm just
exaggerating.

I want to write more, ... but I'll do that later. Tomorrow
we're headed somewhere. Me and the girls. They did tell me
where we were going ... but I don't quite remember what
they said. It's like I was sedated at the time.

I hope they weren't sedating me or something.

How do you kill a whole planet? I think I know how. To say
that I should be a good scientist and test my theory would
be a bit ... irresponsible. I do know, that it can't
possibly be radiological. Radiological is too short
term, ... it's effect can be easily thwarted. Sure, it's
short term kill rate is pretty impressive, and long terms
casualties are damaging, but ... it's easily circumvented.
I mean, even distance is a defense against it. Just by
being with a certain distance you just take the square of
the difference and that's how much less exposure you have.
Well, something like that. The solution would have to
be ... something else.

I'm in one of those moods again. One of those ... "moods".

I always get so macabre when I'm depressed. My body always
feels incredibly warm. Not even the air blowing on me from
the outside cools me down.

I'll end this here.




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