Rem's Poetry Corner
2004-08-04 05:57:16 (UTC)

my long-lost friend

just talked to ben for awhile. it was crazy to talk to him
again like we did a week ago. I was gone for a week, and
now he's back to calling all the time like he did before.
But it feels like something has changed. In me, maybe. I
like Matt a lot, but there is this part of me that feels
like Matt won't understand why I am such good friends with
Ben. I love him like a brother, I truly do. And I know he
cares about me like I was a part of his own family or
something...but somehow I don't see Matt understanding that
in the way that we both do. Even though he's always saying
that men and women CAN just be friends--case in point, his
platonic girl-friends. I have been telling Ben about Matt
all along, because he is one of my best friends--also to
dispel any crazy thoughts either of us may ever have gotten
about liking the other person. He has been having lukewarm
and mixed reactions to this deal with me dating someone.
And I don't get the impression that Matt likes any of my
guy friends. This is starting to stress me out. I just want
everyone to get along, and not be jealous or rude or
anything. Ben has never been interested in me, so I don't
get why he cares about who I'm dating. And Matt has never
met Ben, so I don't get why he called him an asshole just
because Ben called me on Luong's cellphone at my brother's
wedding reception. That was an assy thing to do, but an
assy action does NOT make a person an asshole. That pissed
me off. It sounds right here like I like Ben more than I
like Matt, but the thing is, it's different. I know that
with Ben, there is really no line, because he is my FRIEND.
He does not have to worry about me being psycho and trying
to kill him because he's not going to "dump" me, most
likely. But with's like Mindy says, how she's
constantly worried she's gonna do something wrong and get
hurt again. I don't want to get hurt by someone I trust.
Matt has never done anything to make me mistrust
fact he's always been pretty cool with stuff, but Ben has
known me well forever. It's just going to be different,
right? I mean, I'm getting to know Matt in a dating,
romantic context, and that is on such a different level
than friendship is. It's harder, because with a romantic
relationship, I have to open myself up more and share some
deeper things with that person, be at my most vulnerable,
in order to let myself be with them. Because otherwise,
they're going to have no idea I care about them in any way
other than a friendly way. God, please help us to have a
fun date tomorrow night and have it be something enormously
special to us both, in some way. Sometimes you need a token
reminder to keep your faith aglow...