Rice Tree Girl

Ramblings Beneath a Rotating Fan..
2004-08-02 20:55:19 (UTC)

Clouds Hide My Moonlight

I hate sundays. I hate my dad. I hate running out of the
house at nine at night. I hate the world I've been stuck
into now.

Last night.. grr last night. I was told to clean off the
table.. and these things start over the stupidest things.
why I don't bother to write about them most of the time. So
I take a dishtowel to wash off the table.. because the
little rags smell horrible and they're sopping wet becuase
my parents just leave them on the sink. And then I get
yelled at. I don't know.. the stupidest things.. and so I'm
all "If you care that much, why don't you do it?!"

He comes up to me, I hate him so much I could have punched
him. But I don't. And he's got his fists out as though he
would punch me.. leaning over me to try adn intimidate me,
but he looks like such a freaking prick becuase he's biting
his lip and trying to scream in my face. He's trying to
intimidate me, scare me into doing whatever he wants. and I
hate him all the more for it.

So I go in my room, waiting in the calm before the storm..
and the storm does come, barging in again. He goes out all
day and comes home from work angry. He can't just do
anything. I can't ignore my parents fighting over money in
the living room at night. My mom, so overdramatic crying
and holding everything in, muttering and acting as though
the world will end. They have crappy ways of taking out
their problems. He screams at me and threatens to hit me
again.. and I dance about the room, getting away over my
bed while he's at the end of it and hiding in the bathroom.
We run from room to room, and he's yelling. And then he
comes into my room and starts ripping things off the
walls... and I'm just so pissed. He tears my things off my
walls and he's taken my boombox. I'm so pissed. So when I
get the chance I run outside and slam the door.. and so I'm
standing out there in shorts and my little pink tee shirt..
no shoes.. so I walk around to the back and get in the back
gate and slip in my room by the back way. The door was shut
and no one knew I was there, so I changed into jeans and
put some shoes and socks on and headed out into the night.

By all means, I shouldn't wander around in a neighborhood
like mine that late. It's even dangerous in the day.. but
the part of me that was scared of their urban ledgends was
overpowereed by the part of me that hated home even more
than the darkness. The darkness should be the one to
understand me, because who else can I speak to than the
night?

The street lights show the grease stains left by the cars
that were there.. and everything is so much more sinister
in their orangeish light. These apartments, triplexes look
even more threatening. The people here, most of them are
drug dealers and potheads.. a few are nice old people.. but
that's not that many... It's the same story repeating over
and over with the for rent signs.. As soon as they clean up
the blood stains, cocaine, a few months more they'll have
another tennant ready to start their decent into this
ghetto town. I guess maybe I'm just generalizing too
much... but you see the cars and you see the police around
here all the time.. and half of me is scared to death, but
not enough to make me turn back.

The clouds hide the moonlight.. and the shadows turn to
menacing figures in the night. But there is no one here but
me. I can't stop thinking about my stupid father. all he
wants is to control me. All he wants is to intimidate me.
He does nothing of his own. he just takes out the bad in
his life out on me just like my mother. screw him.

And who can I run to now? No one but myself.. I am alone
tonight. Everyone who ever promised I could run to them
left. Everyone i could count on is gone now. They won't
save me now. I have to save myself. Everyone I've counted
on has let me down, has forced me away. There's no one here
in the night, and I am more alone than I would have thought
before. Everyone who said that they would be there is gone
tonight and there is no one to tell.. so I guess I'll tell
you, invisible people who don't exist reading my words.
Because who will you tell then?

I walked down to the canal. It's my place.. running water..
and next to it is this big deep kind of a... ravine.. like
a walkway only its about as wide as a street, dug into the
ground with a sloping side. There used to be bushes on the
side, but they were cut down about a month ago. People are
always ruining nature. And there is no one in the night,
except for me and my thoughts.. well I thought.

I'm about half way through and I hear voices.. guy's
voices.. and at first I'm freaked.. I've heard stories..
about gang members who will shoot you if you're wearing a
certain color.. and I've seen spray painted symbols under
the overpass down at the other end of the canal.. so I walk
a little faster.. and no one sees me, but I was thinking
what if they did? I kept thinking I heard stuff behind me,
but I wasn't followed. I doubt they saw me though.. or
noticed if they did.

So I kept walking and got home about an hour later to find
just my mom in the front room telling me I missed a stew. I
don't even give a care. I hate them. I hate me. I hate this
whole thing. I hate running away at 10 at night. I hate
having no one to tell. I hate that anyone I could tell
would say that they were sorry because there was nothing
they could do. I hate that they would be sorry things were
so bad... and not mean a word of it. I hate that I can't
beleive in anyone.. because they will only let me down.. I
hate that no one can beleive in me because I'm not strong
enough to keep myself up. And I hate that no one wants to
beleive in me any more.. they've all left me to my own
devices now. And I hate that there is nowhere to run to
now... no one to tell..
Moon and stars,
Roz




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