Anonymous

A Story a Day
2004-07-30 18:21:41 (UTC)

i was very bad

2:17pm
i didn't want to write last night. my mental state got
ahead of my habit. that happens a lot. it used to happen
with working out. i felt whatever, a headache, too full of
shit, i didn't want to work out. not knowing that working
out would actually correct that problem. last night i felt
both, physically ill and depressed. i should've settled
into the short i'm writing and finished it up. i had maybe
two more days of work on it. now i still have two days of
work left. that's important to to note. nothing gets done
when nothing gets done. right? anyway. i'm going to go
work out and sit in the sun and read about lying. then i'm
coming home. on a fucking friday night. and i'm going to
write. why not. i've got nothing else.

that's a positive outlook.

9:34pm
I'm coming up with ideas, good ideas all the time as i do
other shit. i'm not goign to start on the script yet.
writing the script is still very conscious for me. it's
only once i get going that i really start coming up with
interesting shit. that's me letting my ego go. it's always
been this way. i have to warm up a bit. tire the
consciousness out and then i'm ready to let fly. i know
when something's good. i don't need to explain it, although
when it's good there's so much i want to say about it and
pull from it later. that's where the fun is. the doing
once it's done. but this is a huge piece. it's effectively
a man telling a woman a story but in reality it's a man
telling no one, or himself a story that's half lie and half
the truth. it's about two men who are really two sides of
one man going through seperate experiences of the loss of
self, the loss of hope and the reconstruction of a new
method of living that doesn't involve fear and subcription
to extrinsic desires, societal desires. that doesn't run
from the pain of life, that hits things where they are, not
where we wish they were. and these two men do so in
different ways. one, kills himself, and is reborn. having
done nothing or close to it, he "hits rock bottom" and does
something about it. shoots himself in the head. the other
is always doing something about it and realizes he has to
stop and just let whatever happens happen. the suicide is a
failure. he even fails at his own suicide. the bullet only
kills the fear center of his brain. without it, he has no
censor. he was preventing himself from doing anything
because he was too afraid to do anything and he hid these
fears in anger and depression. the shattering of his own
prison allows him to see life as lived for the first time.
he believes he is getting closer to the truth.

the second other is a 'hope junky,' trying desperately to
participate in the great societal plan. anti-depressants,
doctors, experts, teachers, professors, parents, friends.
they're all touting the answer. and this turns into a
failure as well. as the plan was never meant to be
completed. its design is self-perpetuating. it's essential
to the survival of the society. but the survival of the
society feeds on the death of the individual spirit. the
second man becomes disillusioned and through this achieves
some semblance of the truth.

But these are both lies and have nothing to do with the
third man, who?s on the phone with this woman. He?s telling
her these two stories because where they don?t make sense is
where he lives. What he can?t lie his way out of is where
his truth is. It begins she?s already professed her love
for him. She thinks she?s never met him, in fact they met
once and the romance that ensued happened exactly like a
romantic comedy. And at the end, they had bad sex. He
trusted her and she shed him like any bad date. Then she
embarrassed him about the bad sex. This is the part that
they don?t go into in the romantic comedies. Two years
later he reintroduced himself as someone else. A character,
over the Internet. They became friends and she fell for
him. His character. Then his character has to go. He
begins to have feelings for her. But trapped in his own
lie, he can never really be with her. So he lies his way
out of it. A lie can only end with the truth. You can?t
lie your way out of a lie. So it haunts him. Her real
feelings towards this false human being. So he calls her
and decides to come clean. In the form of two stories about
two men that are him, but not him. He believes she fell in
love with the real him, shrouded in a vale of cheap ugly
lies. If love is stronger than deceit. If love is in fact
for the real man and not the few characteristics he made up
to disguise himself, then she should forgive him. If, in
fact it?s not. If she loved the mask or never loved him to
begin with then she?s at once a liar herself. He tells her
the story of the two of them mixed in with the story of
these two men. The story of what could have been, what may
be, the story of what happened and then asks her to write
the ending. The fourth act. It?s revealed that the phone
call never happened, that it was all a rehearsal. The true
confession then becomes the film. And when she sees it, she
must finish it.




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