Ali Davis

One Day At a Time
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2004-07-28 02:29:47 (UTC)

*sigh*

Been a while. Yes I know it has. Alot has happened.
New job- going well. New sense of self- still intact. In
regards to this diary, I've decided that i'll try to write
once a month. That's not too much to ask- and i'll take
the cute little reminders they send more seriously if
there isn't one every few days! :)

I've had a revelation recently...

People can paralyzed by fear.

Not fear of spiders per say (which can paralyze a
person in actuality) but a fear of some of the wonderful
things that life has to offer.

Forgive me for getting very personal at this point (you
know who you are)

Love is a many splendored thing but so is the journey
there. Its a crime to keep that to yourself. Hurt is also
a part of life. In most cases, you hurt people more by not
attempting whatever action your fear is keeping you
from.
A person can love you, and love you deeply, but until
you trust yourself to love them back- you'll never give
them what they deserve. It may take time and that's can be
scary, but the fact that the effort is there can go a long
way. i think you've dogded it for long enough. Dive
in!
Are you afraid that it might be great? Its not that
you're afraid of hurting someone, it that you're afraid of
them being wonderful to you.
I've been there. It sucks. Hard.

You are wonderful, you know that. People love you not
b/c they have to but b/c you deserve it and when you're
around you make their world brighter. I know that given
some time- i could fall head over heels for you. You know
it too. And that scares you. Why does that scare you?
B/c there may be a time where you won't be able to stop
yourself from giving in- commiting yourself to someone
like that again is way too risky. It didnt work out the
last time and its taken so long to get that out of your
system that you doubt that you're capable. But i know
that you are. I see it when you look at me- when you
really look at me. You want to give in- b/c its hard to
be so cold all the time- especially when that's not your
nature (and its not).
Remember, that one night that you spent with me. You
slept. And by your own admission- you rarely sleep with
someone in your arms. How often does that happen? And
why has it been so hard getting you to spend the night
with me since then? It was lovely, and sweet, and it
meant something. You only let it touch you for a second-
but i saw it.
Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm very very wrong. And
if so, you should tell me. If not, own up to it. Make a
choice. Be happy for however long it could be happy. Or
stay the way we are... friends that talk on occassion b/c
there's to much to say.

I love you, Corey. You know that.

But what will you do with that?

Make a choice.

And whatever it may be... i'll always be around.


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