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2004-07-27 05:38:07 (UTC)

feeling like giving up

one person can only take so much, but its easier when you
have someone on your side. but what happens when you get
the feeling that the person its getting frusterated with
your bitching and whining. OK i guess i should fill my
pondering in with the facts. ALRIGHT... this last week, i
swear all i have done is cry. most of the time, i know why
i cry, but sometimes, i have no idea why i do, its
uncontrollable. and tonight, i was riding in the car w/
brett, we pulled out of his driveway, and he like hit the
gas really hard, and he told me that his neighbor told him
to tell me to slow day bc i drive to fast. normal people
wouldn't let that get to them, but me, its a whole
different situation. all my life, i have had people judge
me, and make comments about me, and they don't know me.
like this year, josh michael, every day had to yell in 6th
period "kelly is the worst fucking driver bc she goes 20
mph down my street" "she fucking sucks at life" (exact
words, mind you) but im not going to go too far in my past,
but for example, my moms side of the family, always has
something to say about my appearance. "why are you wearing
that?" "working at the cookie store has taken its toll"
shit like that. my own fucking family, tearing me down.
Since i've moved to kentucky, honestly, there is only one
reason i stick around. since freshman year, i've had brett.
and we've had our on and off months, but he's been there w/
me through some bad times. but i've never really had the
nerve to talk about him about people bringing me down and
what it does to me. OK since i've been at ryle aka hell,
i've had prob about 10 guys i DONT know, talk about me and
call me either fat or ugly. this is coming from people who
are friends w/ my friends and they say the whole "damn, you
hang out w/ that fat chick?" ok, have people tell you that
over and over again and see how you percieve yourself. I
think it was freshman year, i dated this kid, and he broke
up w/ me, bc his friends didn't think i was "good looking"
3 years of hell have made me think pretty low of myself. so
little things build up and i just can't take it anymore.
but what do i do about it? a whole lot of nothing. i just
sit there and take it, i'm a fucking coward. so i think i
can turn to my family to help me out. NOPE, bc my mom dad
and sister don't exactly help build me up. my parents don't
trust me, comments on my appearance, etc. my sister thinks
im a moron, thinks i won't do well in school, etc. So i
have this reinforcement coming daily that im a waste of
flesh. so i have trouble finding reasons to deal with it.
brett honestly is my only reason i want to wake up every
morning. but im worried that all my emotional outbreaks are
really going to wear him out and frusterate him. i've been
trying really hard to just suck stuff up and not let him
see me upset. i dont know, i guess all my complaining i've
done tonight is just due to the fact i'm really worried i'm
either scaring brett away or making him mad. if i loss him,
i lose my reason to not go back to the last 2 months of my
junior year and my goal of doing the stuff i did. those
were ugly ugly ugly months, and i've always known, but
never admitted that my actions were because i was scared
shitless that he was out of my life forever. yea, i lost my
best friend of 5 years, but that was the last thing on my
mind, because i realized she wasn't a true friend, and that
happens in life, but when you think you will never see the
person you didn't have the nerve to tell that you loved for
a year, its miserable. but luckily, brett was brought back
into my life to save me, now im trying really hard to keep
him in it. i dont think he knows exactly what he means to
me, and its really scary thinking about him getting
frusterated w/ my situation. i just hope he knows how much
i love him and i wish i could just talk to him, face to
face, but how do you explain to the person you love and
trys so hard to keep you happy, that your miserable when
your not with them. i guess thats why im dreading going
back to school. i have to step back into that hell without
having him as my strength. i dont know, its one of those
bridges you have to cross when you get to it. i'm figuring
this entry hasn't made much sense, due to the fact im
jumping from subject to subject and repeating my self over
and over, only because of the fact im crying right now
because i have so much i just want to say. i dont know much
else to say. i really need to make an entry where im not
upset. if im up mcuh later tonight, i will be sure to do
that, i just need to calm down.