Beauty Within

Fuck Me Pretty
2004-07-25 20:38:08 (UTC)

Dear God,

... When I was younger; before my dad died, I believed I was
gonna change the world.

Like it was so easy.

I was gonna make a difference, I was gonna change the world,
I was gonna help people, I was gonna sing my way through
this world letting everyone know they aren't alone.

But reality hit me as I go older. Life started to suck, to
put it plainly. Putting people before myself became harder
and harder as time went by and it was like I just couldn't
do it anymore.

The self hatred that accumulated in my body throughout the
years caught up with me and it showed on my arms. Scars up
and down lacing my arms, showing the world, just how much
self hatred there really was.

So; like most girls my age, I looked to guys for tha
comfort. Guy after guy after guy, u know, u were there. You
watched me fall and stand up and fall and stand up and made
me take it. and I did, everything you threw at my I took.

Until you threw me him.

Ramon Alfonso Garcia. You KNEW, you KNEW he would see the
real me but u made it impossible for me to have him so in
the end I would be hurting me, him, and all my best friends.
Just the way you planned, u made me strong enough to fall
everytine abd every time it would hurt worse and you made me
strong enough to say fuck you every time and get back up.
But did you make me hate you? Or was that my choice? Did u
want me to hate you for all you put me through.

When do I get to make the difference? The POSOTIVE one. I'm
sick of making these not so posotive differences and hurting
everyone else in the process. Why couldn't u have give me an
uglier face, a black heart, and an ugly voice. Than no one
would have to worry, and I wouldn't have to worry about any
guys liking me cuz i wouldn't deserve it and they wouldn't
have to worry....

but... he makes me happy. This is what matters to me, I need
him right NOW. I told myself I would never live for the
furute... so why should I start now? I'll worry about it if
it ever comes to that... but then they stay mad cuz i am
happy with someone who can hurt me...

does this make any sense to you god? Cuz you threw it at
me... why won't u throw me out.

God...Why do I deserve this?... why would u die... to give
me this life?




Ad: