lilmissnorti

Stuff...
2004-07-23 06:39:43 (UTC)

Fryboy returns...

yeah so i haven't written in like a year...possibly because
I've had so much REAL LIFE happening that I didn't have the
time to mope and bitch and get round to documenting it all...

Repeating the history is pointless since it wont change
anything...what I want to focus on is the now, the present
and what looks to be happening to my future...

My Ashley returns home from the UK today where he's spent
the last 9 months working in a pub...he says he'll return at
the end of the year to take up a career in the Metropolitan
Police...

I know for a fact that part of his reasons for leaving we
the shit i'm having to deal with and go through with the
Public Trustee...but god knows I cannot survive this battle
alone...It has been very VERY tough trying to combat Leigh's
uncomprimisable arrogance as well as medical problems...in
order to fully cement our relationship solid, I need him to
be straight and honest and true with me...is the reasons
he's returning because of me, my appearance, my
depression...anything just to tell me will make it a whole
lot easier should he then make the decision to leave a
permanent one...I don't want to persude or coerse him out of
achieving something of such great potential or throw away an
opportunity of a lifetime...but at what expense?? I'd hate
to think that my attempts for independance and to 'grow up'
and settle down for a while are too overbearing - if they
were why in gods name propose to me and then leave me
hanging waiting for him to tell his parents.

I hate myself (and will continue to do so) should he think
about leaving because of me...I hate who and what I've
become, I hate my appearance and most of all I feel my
thoughts betray me as they are the ones who fill my head
with what seems like nonsense to the average person - it's
the awful truth that I know, but frankly don't want to hear...

I'm hurting on so many levels, I don't think he sees,
understands or really cares about it...he may be one who can
just get up one day and say I don't want to be int he same
country as the one I love...I fucking can't stand being away
from him, yet I find myself on the outside of all the
conversations, the information and in general...I can't help
but withdraw myself in the hope that I'm not smothering him...

I don't ask for much...just for him to stay and every once
in a while just say that he loves me and show it...with all
the bad news I've been having, it would just be nice to feel
special again...




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