Rice Tree Girl

Ramblings Beneath a Rotating Fan..
2004-07-20 01:18:59 (UTC)

Update

#1.) brad's better now, thank goodness. But its not the
same as when I first talked to him.. I don't know if I can
trust him. When I talk to him about something important,
something that's hurting me, he just steps around it.. when
I try to tell him I need an escape.. he's always busy or
tries to go.. And when I really needed him.. he was never
there. I mean, I just need you to say something, like
before. Are you afraid? Are you afraid I'll love you for
it? It seems like ever since that day, he's been trying to
avoid saying anything that would make me feel that way
again. And it's working. I hate this. I hate feeling like I
can't trust him and I can't talk to him. The light he gave
me is gone, and I feel like I've gone with it. I tell him I
hate the yelling. he says someone is yelling at him to get
off the computer he has to go, talk to me later. But I know
he won't. Gosh, I hate him being so afraid all the time. I
hate that I'm even more scared than you are. I hate guys I
hate guys I hate guys.

#2.) Kenny still hasn't called me back. Not that I want him
too.. but it makes it worse that I can't tell him how I
just want to be friends. and I'm scared to death, each time
I imagine him.. its so frightening. I'm scared of this
memory. I'm scared of him. I'm frightened to death because
I don't want to do anything.. but he hasn't talked to me
since the 29th. which is good and bad. Was I merely used?
And it makes it worse that I fell for it... I was so
freaking stupid... To delude myself that anything meant
anything.. I'm so wrong....

#3.) Brandon is a poop head. Everyone flirts with him.. its
ridiculous.. I feel bad that I did it.. Oh well, whatever.
Let jessica have him. he hardly spoke to me. I'm the girl
of the night. I'm so sick of being used for one day and
then its nothing.

#4.) I'm talking to some guy from the UK through email, he
seems really cool. He hasn't emailed me today, which I
could have used, he usually has something to say.. anyway
I've been corrosponding with him lately and everything.. I
read his diary on here and sent him feedback (along with
about a ton of other people). I don't know much about him..
well ok I do since I've read his diary.. but not facts...
you know? all I know is that he's 18 and he lives in the UK
somewhere.. I don't even know a name.. anyway he seems
kinda cool to talk to. said I sounded older tahn I am. I
took it as a compliment. I've been told that before. Seems
like strangers are the ones who will make me feel better..
all the people I've let get close to me lately have just
turned away and turned back to their own ways.. And those
who do care try to do it with tough love. Which I hate.
They think that if they yell at me enough they can make the
scars on the back of my arms go away. well they can't. They
can't make any of it go away. and the ones who could..
won't even try. So strangers are helping me through this
the most, sad as I guess it sounds. He still doesn't know
the name of my dairy.. I'm going to hold off giving it..
till he finds it for himself. I'll give him a clue or
something.. say something about rice should grow on trees..
I don't know.. anyway.. so I guess

#5.) if you can't tell, I'm feeling really crappy today.. I
wish I didn't. I wish I didn't need anyone to make me feel
better, to make me feel like I'm worth something, but I do.
I woke up today to my parents yelling at me and all these
freaky nightmares at night.. they all just keep coming..
and nothing is really happening to take my mind off things.
Brad's taken his away message off aim.. but he won't get on
yahoo. he knows aol freezes my comp. he knows I'm not going
to talk to him there. And he just wanted to get away. he
doesn't want to say anything to me to make me feel better.
Or maybe he just doesn't want to lie to me. I wish things
were different. I wish I beleived in everyone again, as
much as I beleived in myself. I wish he would stop running
away. I wish I had never fallen into the spell he once set
for me. Because now it all means nothing. Nothing at all.

Moon and stars,
Roz




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