Anonymous

A Story a Day
2004-07-18 18:59:17 (UTC)

fucking nightmare

2:50pm
i can't believe i slept until fucking 2:30. who the fuck do
i think i am? i dreamt about her last night, er this
afternoon. i dreamt about christine too. christine and i
snuck into a school where she was learning, or teaching and
i explained everything we'd done together. chiristine
agreed that we were perfect for one another. and then i saw
her. she knew exctly who i was. she'd known for months
before i stopped talking to her. she didn't care. she
loved me anyway. i felt like i was crying in my sleep. i
cast the beautiful christine aside and tried to make a life.
i tried to be only me. but i wasn't. i had to be him. i
wanted to be him for her. i was breaking character. i am a
broken fucking character. and she will haunt me. i could
tell her another lie, but i can never tell her the truth.
and i'll ask myself a thousand times in the future. did i
love her? and i'll answer always. i don't love anyone.

11:23pm
serendipitidously, saneesh called while i was reading a book
on lying, the biological nature thereof in the bookstore
today. he said she was in town, the mark was in san
francisco with her parents. saneesh is loaded down with
enough information, that if a good communication between the
two is established, the coinsidence will lay on pretty
fucking thick. impossible to ignore. and i'm not sure if i
want her to find out or not. i'm also not sure i know what
to say when i'm asked why. i should not worry about it and
just let it play out. it's going according to plan in a
manner, it's just going a little fast. if the mark flips
her shit, let her flip it in november. everything fucked up
happens in november anyways. i've got too much to worry
about now. taxes, moving, money, no job, no girl, no car,
no life. i'm a big stupid mess until november. then she
can have at me. or maybe nothing will happen at all.
that'll be something




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