eidolon

shifting mists
2004-07-17 17:53:56 (UTC)

the urge...

... "The Urge"... that's what i call it.... like a title to
royalty.... "We present to the great hall The Earl
Suicide" ...

... it seems like a more delicate way to put it when you
look at it like that... doesn't it? ... suddenly "the urge"
as a describer doesn't sound so bad... it's what it is....

... Webster says "to force or impel in an indicated
direction or into motion" .... fits, doesn't it? ...
yeah... even if you don't want to see it... even if you
don't want to admit it.... it does...

... i’m crazy... i really am you know? ... i mean...
yeah... medication helps keep me from going right out there
into hyperspace and exploding into a million fragmented
pieces..... but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m one
seriously fucked up chick... usually although i know this
and accept it i work very hard to just simply ignore it’s
existence while adapting and accommodating those things
within it that i can’t change.... usually....

... then ‘the urge’ hits.... it sneaks up on me.. you
know? .... it’s.... it’s always there.... Lurking and
lingering within my mind... it lives just beneath the skull
behind my right ear... hides there... and when it emerges
it does so not by coming out where all can see but by
burrowing itself deep into my grey matter to whisper not in
my ear but in my head where no one else can possibly
hear....

.... it whispers of release... relief... it whispers of a
kind of quiet and peace i cannot find... that i long for...
ache for... and i tell myself that it’s whispers are
lies... that it’s lying to me... there is no peace... there
is no relief or rest... no release .... none.... it just
does not exist... it doesn’t... but ... what if that’s not
true? ....

... what use am i anyway? ... locked up in a home where the
only contact i have with the outside world is through a
computer and the rare, occasional excursion out to the
store.... i serve no purpose here... i don’t... and if i do
and can’t see it.... why can’t i...

... i feel inadequate... very.... very... inadequate...
unwanted... unneeded...

... within my mind although i speak with others.... i am
alone.... i sit alone in a box hidden within grey matter...
sometimes crying... sometimes screaming.... sometimes
simply laying there placid.. wishing for release.... but
life moves on.... an endless procession of days upon days
that run together and have no depth... no meaning....

... i .... Do .... Not.... Want... To... Be ... Here....




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