Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
2004-07-15 12:43:06 (UTC)

It's Gotta be PMS!

I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me! It started
last week when I started crying reallllly hard when I found
out that I had betrayed a friend's confidence in me (I
didn't realize how few people she had told the truth to).
Here's the scoop: Her brother is married to my ex-
husband's sister. My friend's sister was murdered by her
boyfriend while I was on vacation. When I was told about
it, it was made clear that they were not telling their
mother the truth about what happened, they told her that
she passed in a car accident, because of what it would do
to her and her already really frail health. The next day
after I found out, I told my ex-husband about it, but I
told him the truth as I knew it (murder) and asked for him
to pray for her and her family. Welllll, I didn't know
they didn't want that family or anyone to know because if
it got back to her brother, he wouldn't think and would
tell their Mom. She was verrry upset with me. I had no
idea! So, yesterday, I did what I told her I would do. I
know that my ex trusts me when I tell him things (mostly)
and that he would probably run back to his family and say
what I said, so when he called yesterday to talk to our
son, I told him I had seen her last week and the truth was
that it was a car accident. He was like, oh, okay, so that
is what really happened, not what was expected...Point
accomplished.
I have been going through such a season of ups and downs
lately I just don't know what is going on with me anymore.
I say PMS, but I haven't had a period since I had the baby,
and that could be because of the nursing or because of the
pills that I take (they are constant hormones, no weeks
off) because I have to take a certain kind since I am still
nursing a boy. I know I'm not pregnant...to be honest, I
even tested a few weeks ago, wondering if that was it. Not
only that, kind of hard to get pregnant when your husband
has sex with you once every couple of months.
That takes me to this point. I made a snide comment the
other day to him that for all I know, he could be getting
it elsewhere. I don't think I really believe that, it was
just something that was on my mind and therefore out of my
mouth! He got really upset and told me 'good-bye' (I was
fixing to leave to get some groceries for the week). Does
he not understand that I have my insecurities after what my
ex did to me? My ex (presumably) was cheating on me before
he left, so the sex slowed down, then he announced he
wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore, he was
attracted to someone else. He's been living with that
someone else forever now, they've been engaged for almost 2
years, and there's been no wedding. My current husband,
when we weren't living together, would be whining if he had
gone more than 2 weeks without sex! Now it's 2 months or
more, I've complained, I've hinted, I've even tried playing
with him, and he turns me away until it's been 1 1/2 to 2
months? What the hell?!!
Then the other night he tells me that people or things in
his face is kind of like a phobia of his, so please quit
playing around his face. We always play and I climb onto
his back (in bed) and lean in for kisses and he always
hides his face in his pillow or the bed or whatever. I
just thought that it was part of the game, I didn't realize
that it really bothered him that much! I guess that's why
we never really kiss and I so rarely get even pecks. Then
he goes on, talking about how, at 2:30 or 3 in the morning,
he always wakes up to me facing him. Okay, hate to tell
him, I move for comfort reasons, and he has always moved
over to my side of the bed by then, facing me. Didn't know
that it bothered him, I thought it was sweet that we would
end up that way. So, I started putting a pillow in between
our faces, so I'm never face-to-face with him so I don't
bother him. All of this is beginning to hurt me!
Yesterday there is a revelation from my ex-husband. The
long lost older son of his (who is now 19) is staying at
their house now. It is a lot closer to drive from their
house to his current job site than from his mother's house
on the other end of the earth. I feel like he has become
the prodigal son and my son, who has always been there,
just waiting for his Dad to notice and love him, maybe even
pay attention to him, is left out in the cold.
Then, my best friend, who lives in Canada, is having a
crisis and is depressed as well. She's struggling a way to
get back to the US for good, and it is getting more and
more difficult, thanks to 9/11.
Besides the blessings that I do have in my life, I guess
right now I'm just struggling to keep a good game face on!
I better run now, the baby's in my lap and it makes it hard
to type when he's kicking the keyboard tray away from me.