just a normal life
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2004-07-15 04:28:46 (UTC)

no need for catchy titles

Okay so, I've always wanted to come up with catchy titles
and talk about thigns that people might be interested in
and could relate to so that they would read my little
thingy and leave me messages... cuz really, who doesn't
enjoy a little note from a stranger??

But now, just thinking and reading someone else's xanga...
i was inspired and realized... where am i spiritually? and
i wanted somewhere to write about it... to get out my
thoughts... and to write down my prayers... cuz my head
just can't hold it all in anymore... and pen and paper
just takes too long sometimes... so here I am online...
but before i dive right in... i want to pray first

okay... so i've been feeling like i've been really needing
to do somthing about my faith for a while... quite a
while... and the mission trip... whoa! amazing! can't even
explain! and with that under my belt... God, I dont want
to forget what it feels liek to be on fire for You and to
be doing something that i know i'm meant to be doing...
God, to live my life for You! Its what I want to do with
my life! And in what ways You'll have me do it, I'm realy
not sure yet, and I most definately don't want to miss an

After reading Steve from still remains little xanga thingy
about why he's leaving the band, i mean you really can't
have a better reason than the reason he had... and I mean
gosh, to think it must have been so hard to finally come
to that conclusion that he had to leave the band because
he knew that for him personally... the fame or the
big "rock starness" would distract him from You... and I
don't think that the other guys in the band are wrong for
sticking with it... everyone has different strenghts and
downfalls... so I do want to pray for him most
definately... and I want to pray for those who see the
example he's set.

And now the hard part for me is just to sit down and
listen, hear what You're telling me I need to be doing...
and hear when you're telling me what I shouldn't be doing
anymore. As much as I love music, and as much of the music
I listen to that gives praises to you... sometimes I just
let it distract me so much! I mean the times where I'm
just listening to music and singing along and not even
thinking abut what i'm singing... or the time spent
mindlessly singing that could be spent in silence with
you... or could be spent helping someone and doing your
will. I just feel like music, as wonderful as it is, i've
let become a downfall for me

And its because I do love it so much... but I need to
always prioritize... You are more important than anything
else! So not that I should never listen or sing along...
because music is a blessing that you've given us (and its
amazing!) but I just need to not let it take over so much
time in my life and distract me. Especially since I'm not
the one making the music.

I wish I could make music, although maybe its a good thing
that I don't. Because if I did, it may just be even more
of a distraction to me. Maybe God knew that it just wasn't
right for me because I would let it take me away while
trying to influence others to come close.

Well, I just don't want to lose that side of me that's
always stood up for what I believed in... I don't know why
its gotten harder.. I guess because we get older and I
become more confident in my faith... other people become
more confident in their... not faith? And so its just so
hard sometimes to explain to them... If they haven't felt
something so real inside of them... its just impossible to
explain feelings... it really truly is! I mean u can say
oh yea... love is when you get those little butterflies in
your stomach and your light headed and your happy or
whatever they always say... but there's a deeper love... a
truer love... a greater love that I can't even begin to
understand! But everytime I feel something and I get just
a little bit closer to realizing how amazing this love
is... I just... oh I just wish everyone could feel it with
me! Then I would have someone to share them with and not
feel like a fool while trying to explain it... cuz they
would know too!

I don't want faith to just be... faith. I want it to be a
living active part of my life as well as all my friends!
But its not really for everyone... and I don't know how
exactly to talk to them about it... I mean a lot of us
went to chruch camp this summer... but now we're home and
I don't know I know I'mnot perfect andI mess up too... but
there was this one sermon about not walking on the wire...
ya know, choose one side or the other but stop walkiing on
the wire... in the middle... yaknow where you say... ooh i
can do this while i'm young.. God will forgive me... its
okay i'm still pretty good...

But it seems like, don't you ever think about that when ur
deciding to get drunk? or when ur using that bad language,
or when your... but then i look at myself and say... don't
i ever think about it when i'm talking about a person
behind their back (wheter its the truth or not) or when
I'm casting judgement (hello).

I just want them to be there for me as i'm there for them
though, telling me... sam you shouldn't talk about them
like that or well, if you look at it this way... he
probably just... whatever

Cuz I try to do that myself but sometimes when u just get
so wrapped up in things u need someone to stop you... and
I want to stop them from giving into their weaknesses that
I don't share, but I don't think they want me to

But I do want them to stop me from giving into my
weaknesses that they may not share! I really don't want to
be a bad person! and by no means am i saying that they do,
cuz most people really don't want to be bad people... but
i just want them to be with me on giving this effort to
stay on the right side of the tightwire, no matter how
much we'll falter, I know we will, i want to be able to
always have someone to pull me back on the right side.

I'm not strong enough on my own.. and I know all I really
need is God, if He's on my side then I'll be fine... but
sometimes i need someone there to give me a little nudge
and help me back on track.. and I've been so lucky to have
been blessed with people like Ju who help me do that.

Man, I'm rambling like no other right now! I think this is
one of those tiems where I had a point when i started..
and then i just let my brain take control and i started
typing every thought that entered my brain whether it
related or not and now its just a mess... so maybe i'll re-
read this and try to figure out a point of this whole
thing... bu tmore importantly i'd liek to take time to
listen tonight... I would suggest it to everyone... just
peace and quiet.


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