poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-07-15 02:45:17 (UTC)

feeling abandoned

yes, that's the way I feel ...

and I was thinking about things as I drove home from
work ... the only man who has ever fought not to lose me
was my ex-husband, James. No other man with whom I've had
a relationship before or after, short or long term, has
ever fought to keep me around. In all the years I've known
Harry, he's never done anything to keep me whenever our
relationship came to an end, but his arms were always open
when I returned. What does that say?

My mom used to always tell me not to do the chasing, to let
the guys come around after me. Just another piece of wise
advice I never listened to ... and now, at 37 years old, a
decade old relationship disintegrates as if it were nothing
more than kindling on a fire ... burned up, burned out,
leaving nothing more than ashes to be scattered to the
winds.

No fare the well, nothing ... it's like someone you love
dying suddenly and not getting the chance to say good bye.

I don't understand it. He always said that respect was the
most important thing in a relationship, and one of the last
things he said to me was that I didn't respect him. It was
the most important factor to keeping a relationship
alive ... he expected it from me ... and I always thought
it was a mutual thing we shared, respect for one another,
but the way things stand now, there doesn't seem to be any
respect coming from him, not for me or our relationship.
Not to even pick up the damn phone and say he's moving on.
He can't even be man enough to do that. He's waiting for
me to do the dirty work ... where's the respect in that?

like the song says, 'it cuts like knife' ... only in this
case, it 'doesn't feel so good', it feels pretty damn
awful.

***********************

on another note ... Chantelle's in one of her moods. I got
her this pair of pants and they don't fit her so she's
walking around saying she's fatter than a cow and she's
never going to eat again. Also, I bought her this really
cute 'vintage' skirt and I was so excited about giving it
to her, but I should have known better. She doesn't like
it. And I can't take it back so I lost $12 ... the money
factor bothers me, but also it's her lack of appreciation
that really irks me more than anything. It makes me not
want to buy anything for her again, not on a whim, which is
what I did ... I just wanted to do something nice.

well, I think we are going out to dinner with Simon. I'm
just waiting for him to call to let me know he's on the way
so we can meet at the restaurant.

God, thank you for getting this far today ... please help
me to continue to be strong ... I mean I almost lost it in
the car on the way home tonight, didn't I? But up until
then I was doing pretty good.

also, it felt good to be dressed up today ... I think even
tho' my weight bothers me, I should dress up more often,
regardless of the dress down code at my work and I will
keep myself focused on losing weight and getting healthy ...




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