poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-07-14 06:04:01 (UTC)

Pita Bread & the Bee Gee's

As if sniffing the pita bread is going to bring him back to
me or suddenly and magically change what's happened to
bring us to this point.

And standing there at the mall while my daughter is
ordering a smoothie when a sudden wave of emotion slams
into me like a tidal wave all because the Bee Gee's are
singing amidst the background noise of the mall. I almost
started balling my eyes out, I felt as if I couldn't
breathe and it was all I could do to not to lose it right
then and there.

5 days now since we last spoke ... 5 nauseatingly long
days ... maybe it doesn't sound like very much to some
people, but for me ... for someone who's been in a
relationship with the same man for over a decade, well, it
is a long time. We talked to each other every day, often
times more than just once. We said good night to each
other without fail ... and this past year we slept together
nearly every night ... and even when Chantelle came back, I
still saw him every morning during the week. So not
speaking for 5 days is a big deal, a very big deal and it
takes every bit of my strength not to pick up the phone and
call him, to resort to old behaviors ...

But I miss him and it's so unfair, so wrong that things
have come to this ... with no closure and no one superbly
obvious thing to have brought us to this moment .... and it
hurts so damn bad. I mean it really, really hurts.

Do I really have to walk around acting as if it's no big
deal? What am I ... a robot? It's ironic to even think
that me, hypersensitive to virtually everything else in my
life, should suddenly stop feeling, should suddenly be able
to just turn my emotions off all for the sake of 'not
bothering people' ...

All I can say is that if he doesn't call me by this
weekend, because I know he will have received my letter by
then, I will probably end up calling if for nothing else
than the sake of my sanity because I simply cannot go on
like this for very much longer.

.................

On another note, for Chantelle's sake I really did try
tonight to put on a happy face ... I took her to the mall,
bought her a skirt, picked up my dress that's been on
layaway since my birthday, got Chantelle a smoothie and
Mongolian BBQ for me (Harry's and my favorite) ... then we
went to the grocery store - I was able to do all of this
because child support came in today - God always comes
through! It was getting scary because I literally had no
money in my pocket and without Harry, well, I'm not even
getting help with the little things like fruit and bread
and stuff like that.

Oh, geez, I feel as if I'm going to throw up ... really I
do.

gonna go to bed now ... sleep is where I can escape from
reality ...

God thank You for helping me get through another day ...




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