2004-07-11 09:27:21 (UTC)

right, so

something that ive always hated about myself:

i always have men on the mind. to a certain degree.real or
imaginary. in one form or another. i see this as my
weakness. i know its a good situation , with a guy, when i
can think about other things as well. when i can think
about other things the majority of the time. ya know its
bad, when the bulk of your thoughts is about the Guy.

but regardless. i dont WANT to think about them. especially
when im not supposed to, like now. i shouldnt be stressing,
why he didnt call., and im stressing only because i am
paranoid he has found another girl to fill his time for now
and he no longer needs me.

and maybe i am a little full of shit. i hope i am not lying
to myself. i honestly am 100% ok with him hooking up with
other girls, thats totally cool. i just dont want to be cut
off, because he found a girl , that he doesnt need to be
with other girls at the same time. that he found a girl
that can be a GIRL to him. i just dont want . again.
AGAIN. to be the one that wasnt good enough.

and i have to stop thinking that way.
i know there is such a thing as timing. and just meeting
someone and it clicks , with what you want. and it has alot
to do with what you CHOOSE you want.

and i know myself. i know im a good girl. i know a guy
could totally love me. i know how good i would be. and i
know, sort of, what i want. i know my self worth. i know
how awesome i am. what a catch i am. how stupid guys are
for not seeing that, and how sad life is for so many
people. i know i am a quality, honest, fun and stimulating
person. i know i need the same kind of person in return for
anything to work

im not stupid, not anymore. i know these things. i know
when a guy im interested in, isnt interested in me, i know
it has nothing to do with me. it has to do with THEM. its
all about THEM. not ME. its not ME.

so, in conclusion, i will call him tomorrow, if he doesnt
call first, cause dammit i like him, and i like spending
time with him, and whatever, i DO. yeah a part of it is
liking the feeling of a boy, but a part of it, is also
likeing HIM. which i do. which i should.

my favorite, though, is that feeling, of waking up in
someones arms, arms that you feel comfortable in. arms that
you could stay inside them all day. arms that i have stayed
inside all day, because they are that much fun to be inside


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