polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-07-08 18:27:19 (UTC)

It looks like rain

I woke up when my mom was pounding on the door. I was a
little freaked out at first because she sounded upset and
it reminded me of the morning of the fire. It was also
weird because I was sleeping on my sheets and so before I
opened my eyes I thought I was in my room, then I opened my
eyes and it wasn't my room. So I looked at my soccer ball
alarm clock!!! (I love that thing, it's not one of those
really loud and obnoxious alarm clocks but it's all soft
and pretty) and it was 10:30. I groaned a little then asked
my mom what was up. She said my Dad wanted us to go to the
house to meet the architect and a bunch of other people so
I had to get up and get ready and eat all in like five
minutes. Amazingly, as if time was slowing itself down for
me, I did it! And we were on our way in no time. We even
stopped for donuts and coffee which was awesome until I
spilled my coffee and it was really hot - which was
expected, coffee is hot...but it really hurt, ya know? It
was really really hot!

So now I'm at the house and my parents are talking to
some lady and everyone is fighting and acting like morons,
and there's a guy cleaning the soot out of the carpet in my
parent's room. It's really loud and I can't hear anything
except people yelling behind me. I wish everyone would stop
yelling. That's one reason I love my room at the apartments
so much, because I have a place where I can go hide in to
get away from all the yelling and whining and crying. My
parents need to shutup, I mean really really just zip up
their lips. All they ever do now is fight and yell and it's
really annoying. And they want us (us being Jo and I) to
take sides. Mom is trying to bribe us by taking us shopping
and my dad just talks about my mom like she is the anti-
Christ. And they always seem to find a way to turn any
situation into something about them. My brother is crying
all the time because he thinks the fire was his fault
because he lit the candle, and everything is his fault
because everything is always about him. And my dad, the
poor baby, is whining and crying because he can't watch tv
and because he's working so hard. And my mom can't stop
talking about how she's going to run away and get married
to a gay guy (how that works, I'm not sure). And I'm sure I
do it too, I'm not trying to act like a victim here. I just
stay quiet though. I stay and hide in my room and in my
cool walk in closet where it's dark and quiet. I call it my
bat cave. Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana BAT
HANNAH!

It's dark outside, but it's not even one o'clock yet.
Therefore it looks like rain. This is the nastiest, wettest
summer ever. It is positively gross outside. I don't even
remember what the sun look likes...even though if I'd
actually looked at it, I'd be blind...but yeah...you know
what I mean.

^and that's your weather report for la dia. Bueno.

I want Lee to help me decorate my room...I love how he
did Avalon and that's just how I want my room...that's my
random thought por la dia. Bueno!

I'm a huge dork and I know it. But it's really fun being
a dork and not being afraid of it. I'm totally into self
discovery and self confidence. My life is marked in
summers, mostly because summer is the time I come to life.
Unfortunately this summer just so happens to suck pretty
much...but I'm making the best of it. There's a good and
bad side to everything, I'm simply trying to focus on the
good. Though sometimes the bad shows itself and I get
cranky. But that's nothing a good ole yoga tape and cup-o-
tea can't handle.

It's raaaaaining it's poooooring this is really booooooring

Uh huh, uh huh, you like my rhyming skill, don't ya? Chris
and I have been working on our album for a year now. We've
got wicked bad rhymes, yo. We write, perform, and produce
our music, as well as booty dance in our own videos. That's
gangster, y'all. Man I am white.

I haven't read either Tahe or Tubesock's diaries because
knowing them, the entries are bashing me and saying that
THEY can write whatever they want in their diaries, but I
can't write what I think because my opinions don't
matter...uh, they like boobies, they saw some hot girls
with nice boobies...blah blah blah, Hannah's an
idiot...boobies...they don't like Hannah at
all...ass...titties...end

Did I miss anything?

I know I'm not right about everything. I don't try to be,
I don't give the impression that I am. I just have
opinions, like everyone else. I think diaries are for
personal thoughts and you shouldn't be afraid to write what
you want. And that's what those guys do, I don't hate them
or something, they do just what I think they should do. I
just don't like the content of what they write because it's
disrespectful to women and because it's all ego food.
Speaking of ego food, avz and I are talking more, which is
cool and awesome and lovely. If you haven't noticed yet,
I'm really hyper. Why? I dunno. I didn't take any meds this
morning or anything but that shouldn't be the problemo. I
just get hyper sometimes. Anyways, we're talking more and
that's cool cause he's a good person and I like talking to
him all normal and stuff. It's great that now I can just
talk to him and be friends with him like before, and I can
laugh at all the crazy dumb shit I said. I never meant to
freak out and be psycho like I did. I wanted to be laid
back and calm. That's how I used to be. I don't know what
happened. People change, I guess. But I don't want to
change because I like who I am now. There are a few minor
changes I'd like to make, but I'm working on that and by
the time school starts I'll be up and running and happy
like I want to be and like I've wanted to be for a really
long time.

I can't stress enough how much I want to stay here and
move back in. Not a lot of people appreciate their houses.
They don't like them because they're dirty or there's just
plain something wrong with them, but when something like
this really happens, it's fine at first but after a while
all you want is for things to go back to normal. And no one
ever thinks this kind of thing ever happens to them. It's
the kind of thing that happens on tv, or at least to other
people, but never to them. That's what we thought. But it
DID happen to us and it DOES suck a lot. We weren't careful
because we didn't think it could happen. The alarm was
broken and we knew it but we never fixed it because we
didn't think anything would ever happen where we'd need it.
Well we needed it, and what would have happened if my dad
hadn't smelled the smoke? The alarm wouldn't have magically
gone off and we could all be dead and my house could be
dust. We didn't know where the extinguisher was but we
didn't think it mattered much because nothing would ever
happen where we'd need it. But we did need it, and now
we're moving around all the time like foster kids with no
home because we didn't think we needed it. Everyone needs
to be really careful because it DOES happen even if you
don't think it will. And we're really lucky that we all got
out without major injuries (my dad still has to go to a
doctor) and that the things that burned can all be
replaced. We got really really lucky. All my parents cared
about was getting their children out and safe. I whine and
cry all the time because they're always late, always
fighting, always forgetting, always blaming, always
critisizing. But they love us so much. This whole ordeal is
giving me the chance to think about things and appreciate
things.

Writing a "How I Spent my Summer Vacation" essay is going
to be a bitch.

Fin

------------------------------------------------------------
Lyrics for the day:

I got the message long before you said you knew
There was no chance of us at all
With no velocity an empty heading hard and far to long
I spent two years alone with you
Just when I thought I had forgotten
You came back soft without a sound

You said we were an accident
With accidents you’ll never know what could have been
So we were an accident
You’ll always be my favorite one

You hit the road and left me an ocean
I can't swim in the silence of your skin-skin please let me
in
Side the times we never had right
Inside two years alone with you

You said we were an accident
With accidents you’ll never know what could have been
So we were an accident
You’ll always be my favorite one

we could have been
we could have been
instead of accidental running, always running
why can’t you believe?

Long winded promises of future company
Up close the sound remains the same
Without the reign of terror over every momentary change
We are exactly as before

You hit the road and left me an ocean
I can't swim in the silence of your skin-skin please let me
in
Side the times we never had right
Inside two years alone with you

-"My Favorite Accident", Motion City Soundtrack...great
song. Margo told me to download it last summer and I loved
it. I listened to it a lot in Guatemala. Because I listened
to it a lot last summer, it's kind of last summer's anthem.
A lot of mistakes were made and a lot of accidents
happened. Funny that I was listening to this song when
Cohen broke up with me, saying our relationship was an
accident. I always said there was no such thing as
coincedence. Dun dun dun...

Adios mijos


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