My usually fucked up life...
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2004-07-07 15:30:12 (UTC)

Things....(caution, some explicit language...none sexual)

I know I haven't written for a while but I've just been real
busy lately. I thought for a short time there My life was
going to actually completely improve. I was wrong. I found
that with the exception of one or two days, My father hasn't
drank in almost 2 yrs because then his pain pills stop
working early and/or he can't take them while drinking so it
just became not worth it to him. That was a bonus point in
My life. But then I found how life quickly would become
hell. I found out that My grandmother on his side is
extremely ill and is getting tired of the pain and being
injected all the time for her diabetes. She talked with her
kids (My parents, aunts, uncles) and her doctor and was
basically given the go ahead when she is truly ready to just
stop taking her pills and things and unplug her oxygen and
let her life dissipate to nothing. The idea of losing her as
she's the last grandparent on that side of the family hurts
like hell but I know how hard it must be to live without My
grandfather that died years ago that she says still she
misses so much. And I don't know about the diabetes but I do
know all too well about living with injections (blood work,
surgeries, etc) and living in severe almost uncontrollable
pain. So I can understand and accept her decision and see
why she doesn't want to live anymore. I have been told that
I have been clinically dead something like 3 times in My
life from a seizure and surgeries. I will probably sound odd
but I seem somehow to be able to remeember at least one of
those times. I remember a calm euphoria coming over Me. I
was no longer in pain. I was no longer in stress from life.
I was just in a calm state of being so to speak. So I know
that when she does go, she's going to go to a better way
because she'll be with him again and won't be in any pain
anymore. And, even if I have to kill My bitch aunt that's
pissing off everyone with her money hungry attitude trying
to assure she gets her mitts on every penny that she thinks
should be coming to her, My grandmother WILL go the way that
she home and in her own bed. My grandmother
already gave out the inheritance so that she could at least
hear about all that it was used on if not actually see since
I don't even know if she can get out of bed anymore. And My
fucking aunt who hasn't even seen her mother in over a
decade thinks she's going to get her hands on even more
money somehow and she's going to control how things happen
because she's trying to keep My grandmother from actually
dying. Like I said, My grandmother WILL go when she's ready
and how she's her own bed at her
home....hopefully with family around.....even if I have to
beat the hell out of that bitch aunt of Mine. I'm sorry that
this was a bit long and intense both in language and mood
but I had to get things off My chest.

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