polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-07-06 20:11:43 (UTC)

Vindicated

I accidentally deleted my entry again. I didn't fume, but
I'm disappointed that I did it AGAIN. It was a damn good
entry too. I was feeling all listy because I'd been making
lists of things we lost in the fire (for the insurance
company) and I was still in the mood for listmaking. But
then I accidentally deleted my lists. Though now that I
think about it, they probably weren't a very good idea.

It seems that I've started a trend. I've had this diary
for over a year, though it doesn't show because I had to
delete a bunch of early entries. This year, Max got a
diary. And that was fine with me, I just hoped it wouldn't
become a trend. It's not that I'm a brat, and that I just
don't like to share. It's because I'm ALWAYS giving and
ALWAYS sharing and I really wanted to have something to
myself. And it's kind of sad, I think, that I can't even
have something so personal as a diary without others doing
the same. And maybe I should be flattered in some way, that
I started something cool. I don't want to seem like a jerk.
But I simply cannot help feeling a little upset. But no
offense, you must understand, to the people who have set up
diaries. You just want a place where you can write (I'm
guessing).

I really hope though that you write according to your
feelings, your emotions, and not because others can read
it. Don't try to use big words and elaborate phrasing if
it's not already part of your every day vocabulary. Don't
take into considerating that other people can read it. It's
your diary, man! Live life WITHOUT regret and not according
to how other people see you.

So yesterday was awesome. Tahe arrived first, with his
mom who wanted to see the house (let it be said that I
absolutely adore his mom) followed by Max, then by Tony.
None of my girls showed up *tear* but somehow I feel that
it wouldn't have been the same with them there. I don't
know why it is that I get along better with guys. I feel
like the girls judge me more, I don't know. Anyways, it was
great because we just goofed around and swam for a few
hours, then ate, then swam some more. I never learned to
dive, so they deciced they'd teach me. It was funny because
I was afraid to do it, and usually being afraid fuels me
more to do things. I'm determined to get over my fears. But
I couldn't do it! I finally did it, but not very well. But
my mom, who had stepped out just in time to see us all dive
in at the same time, said I did it just as well as everyone
else. I think she was kidding though. Oh well. Max and Tahe
were being hilarious. Max was really on a roll. There was
nothing he did that wasn't funny, as usual. That's one
reason I love him so much. Tahe stayed late and we went
downstairs and talked for a while. I knew my brother was
annoying him, even though I told him to stop following us
around and to just get lost. But I know he can't help it
because we're the big, cool kids and he just wants to hang
out with us because he looks up to us. I was sort of using
Tahe as a leg rest, but I don't think he minded much. He
didn't say anything if he did. After that we went upstairs
and watched Meet the Parents, but I feel asleep like the
loser I am and woke up when Tahe's mom called. We went
outside to wait for her, but she wasn't there. So we just
stayed outside. I had sex with the Y on Mrs. Della's truck,
but found that I didn't really like the Y very much, so I
moved onto the A. The A wasn't satisfying my needs very
well so I tried the 7. The 7 was wonderful and I loved it
dearly.

Finally Tahe's mom showed up and we marched up the hill
to meet her. Tahe gave me one last massage, which I enjoyed
with every fiber of my being, and a hug which I really
needed and then he left. I pretty much went straight to bed
because I was so tired. It was a great way to spend my last
day at the house.

I'm really mad that I haven't seen Fahrenheit 911 yet. I
mean REALLY mad. I was supposed to go see it the night it
came out, but I had to watch my brother. I seriously need
to step up on the movie going to business. I still want to
see The Notebook, White Chicks, Fahrenheit 911, and
Spiderman 2. And when Saved! comes out I want to see that.
I'm usually pretty good about seeing movies when they come
out. This damn fire is screwing me over big time.

I really really hate this all. I hate not living in my
house, I hate moving around all the time, I hate not having
things I need or want, I hate being a stranger in my own
city. I hate eating out every night, chanting, "at least
we're all okay," and having people feel sorry for me. I
hate that I was so unappreciative of my house before. I
really hated it and how gross it was. I never wanted to be
around it. And now that I can't be around it, I'm
heartbroken because all I want to do is lay on my dirty
couch in my dirty house and watch tv. I try not to
complain, to make a big deal out of it. It's hard enough on
my family without me being a little twit. It's just
wreaking havoc on my insides. I hate it I hate it I hate
it!!

I woke up this morning with Catzilla next to me. She's so
small and measly to be named Catzilla, but she's such a
beautiful animal. She kind of reminds me of me in a strange
way, not in that she's humanlike or I'm catlike, but that
she's so small and meak, and sort of needy. yet she strives
to get you to pet her and show her affection. And I felt
really good knowing she was by my side the whole night.
That's the kind of relationship I have with my cat, Neely,
and I was really sad with him not being with us for this
long. I miss my baby so much. But having Catzilla warm my
side while I slept was very comforting. But I had to be
careful when I turned because I didn't want to crush her
tiny little body.

I've been thinking a lot about boys and boyFRIENDS and
dating. I'm wondering if there is a point to dating. You
just meet someone you like, and maybe even love and they
maybe love you back, and you have a great time until one
day one of you wakes up feels nothing for the other. And so
you fight and end things once and for all. And then where
are you?

I'm starting to lose faith in guys, and in dating. It
used to feel like an upbringing. Now it feels like a
weight. Like no matter how hard I try to find the right
guy, I don't know if I can trust them because they'll only
realize that they don't care about me anymore. And I
realize that I'm so young and that there really are "plenty
of other fish in the sea" but what does that mean when all
the fish swim in that same shallow water. So I'm about to
do one of three things:

1) Just give up. There's no point in still searching. They
are all the same. They will continue to lie and to hurt me
over and over and I'll want to run away from them but I
won't be able to because I'll be my same old needy and
dependent self.

2) Pull a Practical Magic on their asses and just dream up
the perfect guy. I won't ever dare to consider another guy
unless he is MY guy. In Practical Magic her guy could flip
pancakes high in the air, could ride a pony backwards, had
one green eye, and one blue. I loved that. Alas I don't
have powers, I don't eat chocolate cake for breakfast every
morning, I do believe in homework, I can't light a candle
just by blowing on it, and I cannot make the perfect man
appear.

-tall
-dark hair, semi-long hair
-green eyes or gray/blue eyes
-owns at least one piece of suede clothing
-plays some musical instrument, preferably guitar or piano
-loves to read and write
-loves movies, any kind, and won't get mad at me for crying
or yelling at the screen
-loves to dance
-loves rainy days and fog
-is good with animals and with kids
-cooks gourmet, but is also a wiz with hot pockets and
takeout
-will help me be places on time
-likes most of the music I like, but we each have a few
bands to ourselves
-loves surprises, to surprise and to be surprised
-celebrates each day
-lives life without regret
-non violent except when needed
-is passionate about something
-supportive
-will NOT yell at me or make me feel dumb
-pollite
-likes games like hide-and-go-seek
-smiles when someone enters a room
-is smart about politics
-not afraid to voice opinions
-loves Mexican food
-speaks another language, preferably Spanish
-comforting
-favorite breakfast food = blueberry muffins
-favorite number between 1 and 10 = 6 or 7
-favorite number tween 1 and 30 = 21, 16, or 18
-not afraid to be a dork
-likes wacky things
-likes HAIR DYE!!!
-has goals
-at least one piercing
-appreciates art
-appreciates REAL beauty
-loves me for ME
-trustworthy
-writes me notes and emails in the middle of the day
-worships some kind of something
-funny
-can burp on command
-sensitive, but not girly
-confident, but not cocky
-points out mistakes but is nice about it
-enjoys constructive critisism
-likes travel
-will never hurt me, emotionally or physically
-favorite flower = rose of Sharon
-likes cake, almost as much as I do
-favorite ice cream flavor = chocolate chip cookie dough
-favorite sport = either soccer, basketball, or baseball
-tolerant
-hangs out with "the guys" but pays attention to his woman
-gives amazing hugs
-respectful of self and others
-won't cut me off when I'm talking, and expects the same in
return
-likes making lists
-wants to get things done right away
-will let me sleep late always
-understands and appreciates the power that is Nirvana and
Kurt Cobain
-understands and appreciates that Kurt Cobain has always
been in my life and will always be my savior
-cautious of feelings
-comfort foods include CURLY FRIES and MILKSHAKES
-responsible
-good with money
-eats healthy and will incourage me to eat healthy
-IN SHAPE
-will laugh at my mis-matched socks
-will NEVER forget my birthday
-favorite holiday is Halloween
-doesn't do drugs, smoke, or drink

there's probably a lot more but that took me a while to
come up with and having standards that are too high will
get me nowhere.

3) Just wait until I'm older and more stable in school and
in knowing what I want out of life.

I really like the second choice, but what if I meet a guy
who I really like but is not those things? Do I see him
anyway or do I wait for my guy to come along? I don't know.
It's all so confusing.

There's a contracter and designer at the house right now.
They are planning to change A LOT of the house, but the
ideas are cool. It's a lot of money though...I'm a little
nervous about that. Hopefully though, it will all work out
great. I'm really excited.

I think I'm gonna go see a movie with Alexa later tonight.
She needs her wallet back and I'm bored. Plus she's leaving
Sunday. I need to spend some more time with my girly
friends. I've probably said that already but it's true and
I intend to do so.

I don't think I have much left to say, and I'm getting
hungry and bored. So I'll go now, and maybe walk to Jack in
the Box or Sonic and grab some food, then come back and
watch Practical Magic in my parent's room because my
brother has a friend over and they're watching tv in my
room and I'm in the mood to watch Practical Magic. It's
really a great movie. I loves it, I loves it a lot.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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oooFFFFFFooooooooooIIIIoooooooNoooNooNoooooooooooooooooooooo
oooFFooooooooooooooIIIIoooooooNooooNoN ooooooooooooooooooooo
oooFFooooooooooooooIIIIoooooooNoooooNNoooooooooooooooooooooo
oooFFooooooooooooooIIIIoooooooNooooooNoooooooooooooooooooooo

~I'm Spent~

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Lyrics of the day:

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of which has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things
You swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleanig up so well
I am seeing in my now the things
You swore you saw yourself

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

-"Vindicated", Dashboard Confessional

I loveeeee Dashboard Confessional. I got their cds for
Christmas. This is the song from the Spiderman 2
soundtrack. I heard it on the radio the other day and
recognized Chris's (lead singer) voice. I fell in love with
the song and have been singing it for days.




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