Angel

No topic at all!

Im doing great, at least most of the time..
Im shopping for my new appartment, it hit me this weekend
that next week I`ll probobly start looking for a new place
to live. I know I should first find a place and then do the
nessesary shopping, but when some *brb*

Sorry, that be right back turned out to be be bright back
tomorrow!
I was gonna write about me and Tommy, but now something
else turned up .
There was this cool bathroom shelf on sale, Im the kind of
person who has verry much beauty supply, so I need a lot of
space in the bathroom. So I decided to by one, so I can
have when I move out on my own. I called Karoline to ask if
she could take my fathers car and pick it up in the store,
sometime today. Karoline said she would if she could have
his car, but my father was so messed up that day that she
would not even ask him!
Today she wake me up, saying she was leaving home right
now, and that I should meet her in the store. I got dressed
and took a bus, she was in a hurry because she had promised
my father she would not be long.
In the store, as we runned more that walked, she told me
that he was totaly messed up yesterday.
He walked around screaming no! and a slang word for
toilette. They asked who he was screaming to, and he did
not now himself!
He was cuddling with a stone!! A rock!!! He held it in his
hand in the livingroom, lost it in the floor, picked it up
and culldle with it on his kin!
My mother asked if she should take him to the doctor, but
he would not, so she asked if the doctor should come there,
and he said no.
She went to my grandmothers house and called his doctor,
wanting him to get hospitalized with out his will, but the
doctor said that then they needed to take away his power
over him self, and my mother did not want that.

She did not call me and tell me anything abouit it, my
guess is because she is afraid I would tell her my apinon,
wich might be the truth. What kind of mother is she who let
her girls grow up in a home likethis?
Me and my mother had a fight the day I got home last time,
I was blaming her for giving Grace eating disorders,
telling her to not eat candy right now, and probobly to
watch her wight when shes in the wheelcheer.
Gracie is far from fat, and has for a long time been
complaining about ther weight, she thinks shes to fat. Shes
is not overweight, obese, or underweight, and she dont need
anyone giving her the feeling that she is eather.
My mother used the argument im 43, dont you think I know a
thing or two? But she sure did not help me. I remember
every comment, the excat words she and my father had ever
used telling me about my body.
And now?
Did I turn out to be perfectly fine? No, Im on one of the
most expensive medications, who also is supose to be verry
hard to get (I guess my doctor did not read the
instructions well enugh)telling my boyfriend that its
vitamins! Bcause I dont want him to know, or anyone to know
how fucked up I am about my weight and body.
I have only told my doctor some of it, and the same goes
for Tommy. He knows a bit, that I used to be...not that I
am, and always gonna be.
He dont understand how serius it is, I think he thinks that
its just one idea I got at one time, and that I grew up
from it.

Now this is what I think. My father is drinking, and my
mother knows it. He denies. But my aunt told my mother she
was 100% sure he was drinking. Tommy also belived he could
be drinking. The rest of the family, we did not know a
think, but are not suprised, or at lest not me and Grace.
My mother and Karoline looked, and found, so its nut a
rumer, we have evidence, my mother asked my father and he
said no, and she did not tell him that she knew. She is not
going to eather before our visit from abord had came and
left.
Its my fathers brother, whife and children, Im looking
forward to see them. I would be nice if my uncle get to see
how bad my father can get, but I hope to save the children
from it, it might scare them.
So nothing is gonna happend for at lest a week.

My father goes to a primary doctor, who see that hes sick.
He seend him to every specialist, psycologist, nerve-brain-
spesialist, no one can find something wrong.
And here is what scares me the most. We have guns in our
home, and bullits. Not like a pistol, but guns for hunting,
a rifle or something?
I dont know a thing about guns practicaly, how to place the
bullits, how to load it and so on.
But I know one thing that I learned at psycology class. A
lot of people have guns to pretect the family. But it goes
the other way. More pepole are shut with the family-
protector gun, than people are saved from strangers.
It has happend two times before that my mother have hurt
shots and belived he had killed himself. When she came to
see my father he clames the sound came from inside his
knee. I dunno, but I belive there is a rifle-thing in his
bedroom.
Me and Karoline wanted them way fro a long tome ago, no one
in our house go hunting. But they are stil there.
Sometimes I know how the girl feelt, a girl that had the
police on her door telling her that her father had killed
himself and her entire family, sisters, brothers and
mother, only she was left, because she was not in the house
at that moment. Its a true story, on the news that called
it a family tragedy.
Such a nice and desent word for such a hurrible thing.
Where is this girl supose to be at christmas, invite for
her closest to her wedding or have babysitting if she get
children?
The news did not say anyting about that.

Angel