Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-07-05 13:41:05 (UTC)

Innocent Question. Really.

It's 852am. The day after the fourth of July meets us with
grey, overcast skies. The lumination is much more dim than
it was yesterday, and as a result I don't feel the need to
wear any shades. There's a slight breeze, and the
humiditiy is something to be desired. But otherwise it's
my version of a perfect day.

Mornings are always the hardest part of the day to get
control of how I feel. Consequently that must be why I
don't wake up till the afternoon. I'm just kidding. Sort
of.

This morning, I awoke to a strange dream. I had a dream
that the house was being robbed. The strange thing was
that the guy doing the robbing was some guy from the
movie, "Desperado" starring Antonio Banderas. More
specifically, the person doing the robbing was the
Columbian agent that has all those throwing knives in the
shape of crucifixes. Although this time he had a six shot
revolver in his left hand instead of the throwing knives.

I remember thinking in the dream, seeing him come up to
the house from the living room windows. It was a sort of
weird, dreamy scene. Probably because I was ... dreaming.
I walked to the door, because I had the feeling that of
all places he had picked this house. He didn't seem to
expect to see me there, looking at him. I asked him what
he wanted, and he pulled out his revolver and said to step
aside. It was then that I pondered the idea of disarming
him, but at our current positions there was not enough
room for me to disarm him. My next thought drifted to what
part you could stab someone that would carry a 0% chance
of it being fatal.

As much as I would have liked for the dream to progress to
see what had happened, ... I never did finish that dream
as I was rudely awakened by the flushing of the house
toilet and a loud voice belonging to the therapist
inquiring about the status of our backup toilet paper. As
a side thought, with two women in the house I have noticed
that toilet paper seems to disappear at a rate that is
truly extraordinary to behold.

At anyrate, Lisa asked me if I slept well. I think I slept
alright. I did tell her about the dream, and did pose to
her my thought of what part to stab someone that would
carry a 0% chance of it being fatal. Lisa did not seem to
be very amused at the question. I have always found her to
be the most ... "nicest" of the two of us. When I
say, "nice" I mean that she is the one the last one that
ever would resort to violence.

The problem is an interesting one since the knife is ...
well, it's sharp and pointy. Just about every part of the
human body carries with it a chane to do fatal damage.
Namely, two inches just about anywhere is always enough to
cause irreparable damage. Irreparable being defined as
death.

Because of who I am and how I grew up, I looked at my
question of the human anatomy as a purely scientific and
innocent question. As innocent as you can get when you
stab someone, I mean. It's not as if I was going to go
around with my knowledge, and stab people to see if my
knowledge of human anatomy was right. But at anyrate, it
did sort of piss off Lisa and she started getting a
bit ... hissy with me. Because she's such a "nice" person,
this talk of violence wasn't very amusing.

I did find the answer to my question, as it finally dawned
on me that there was a spot that could be safely pierced
and would have the most minimal of chances of it being
fatal. Although, ... the phrase "safely pierced" used
within the context of a knife is a bit ... oxymoronic.

Finally the therapist came out of the bathroom and asked
why Lisa sounded so mad. I told the therapist my dream and
about my question about the human body. The therapist
stared at me and said, "Umm, why not just use the rolling
pin and knock him out?".

The simplicity of the answer ... such elegance. It was the
perfect solution to my dillema. It did incapacitate the
intruder, and it was non-lethal. Yes, why use a knife when
you could knock someone out?

There has to be something said about the way women come up
with solutions to problems. It must be a bit different
than the way a man comes up with a solution. Whether it's
because women just think differently, or women grow up in
their own sort of gender-centric culture ... I'm not sure.
I have a feeling that it might be a little of both.

At anyrate, I did learn three things. Never discuss with
Lisa things that involving sharp, pointy utensils. Rolling
pins are a good non-lethal way to disable someone.
Mornings aren't the best time to bring up such topics.

I guess under ordinary circumstances, I probably wouldn't
admit I have a rolling pin. But considering how I might
have already mentioned that I bake under the master
tutelage of the therapist, ... it's probably pointless to
hide that fact now anyway.

With all things being equal, this was definitely a weird
morning to start the day. I need to drink more water or
something before going to bed. The water evaporation in my
body during sleep, must be affecting my dreams ... or
something.




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