eidolon

shifting mists
2004-07-02 07:13:32 (UTC)

alone.. and alone...

... someday i will die... it hasn't happened yet... i
sometimes wish it had in fact have reached for it.. ached
for it... wrapped my fingers around my soul and tried to rip
it free from the encasement it finds itself in at this
time... apparently it was not my time to die.... but some
day ... SOME DAY it will be... and for me perhaps this will
be a time of celebration ... i don't think i'll regret it's
coming...

... someday i will die... i don't feel ... in this moment...
that anyone will mourn too greatly the loss... i know...
logical and grounded brain firing of neurons... this part of
me knows that isn't true... that there is a very small
handful of people who would ache for the loss of my presence
in their lives .... but my soul does not believe it.... at
this time the mind cannot convince the soul where emotion
resides that it's speaking truth....

... someday i will die... will it be silence? ... will
there finally be peace from the raging screams inside my
head? ... sometimes i sit for days and days and all i can
hear are those screams.. over and over... like an echo that
never stops .... will death silence this? ....

.. i like being alone ... i need it ... it is a part of who
i am... i need a certain amount of alone time each day..
each week..... yet when i am alone sometimes i am lonely...
now how does this work? ... it's not that i'm not lonely
when among others... this is also true... it seems to be an
almost permanent state for my soul to reside in... that is,
of course, why i am the northwestern star named
"darkness"... it is my secret... that whether alone or not
alone ... and often even when those around me and myself are
bonding... talking ... emotionally touching ... even then...
the loneliness is never gone.... sometimes i sit within it
in silence and it is a soothing balm... other times my
screams echo through the walls of my soul over and over and
over and over... it often seems as if they are never
ending... but it is the loneliness that never ends... not
the screaming...

... to look at me... talk to me... even know me... these are
not things people see... even those close who know of my
small and not so small emotional health dilemmas... they
have no idea .... i probably belong in an asylum somewhere
instead of ensconced as i am within my home.. my mind at
times slowly deteriorating... at other times lucid perfection...

...they have no fucking idea... and their blank stares or
pretence at understanding hurts... sometimes enrages...
sometimes frustrates... if i could just share... just for a
short time what no words could possibly express... if i
could simply let another reside for a brief moment within
the reality of my world.... perhaps then... would i then
still feel lonely? ...


probably