The Darkness Within

Dancing Nude
2004-07-02 02:30:43 (UTC)

ex's, almost ex's, and destined to be ex's....

It's been a while since last we spoke, so a LOT has
happened. All of which seems to pretty much fit into the
above title! Let's see, for starters, I almost left Lee.
Simple enough statement, but the reasons and emotions
behind which are anything but. Basically, I caught him
(once again)on a dating site...this time he actually had a
profile. Stupid me, I decide to read it ( who knows, maybe
we were compatable?!) and lo and behold, he was a single
guy with no kids, who was looking for a young girl to
have "fun" with. Needless to say, I was beyond disturbed,
and he almost ended up truly fitting his description of
single and childless. Of course I find out about the whole
thing roughly five minutes prior to his expected return
from work...hardly enough time to calm myslef, and figure
out what way I was going to deal with such a monumental
issue....and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate to
not have the upper hand in any situation! Irregardless, he
came home and I in tears managed to bring him to tears.
Tears, funny word...could mean salt water that escapes from
tear ducts, or with a slight change of pronounciation to
tear something....at any rate...after about four days of
this, and MUCH disscussion and guilt trip giving...I
decided that for the sake of our child I would stay this
time..but this is the last time. THERE WILL BE NO OTHER
CHANCE. He fu%^s up again, that's it. So, here I am hoping
for the brighter day, and of course expecting the worst.
That said, although I have told Lee that I am staying, he
knows that we are back to square one, and that once my
trust is broken it is rarely gained back...he has a lot of
work to do. Unfortunately things are against him in the
fact that although I may forgive, I am not so easily made
to forget....okay, I suppose I don't really forgive either!
I do have to remind myself that since I am giving him this
last chance it is unfair to make it impossible for
retribution...but it comes so naturally to hold a grudge!
Oh! I almost forgot that in the midst of the initial
discussion, my ex-fiance called! Not the ideal time, nor
person! Of course he asked how I was, and I lied, and he
knew.....he knows me way too well at times. Of course we
were together for a little over a year, which is damn
impressive for me. Speaking of "togetherness", Orion and
his wife are still together! This makes a little over a
month, which is more than most gave the union...as I have
said before, I stand behind them both, they both have the
best of intentions ( though Orion himself has stated that
the road to hell is paved with good intentions), and are
working at things. Of course this is their adapting
period, as they never really had much of a relationship
prior to getting married. It doesn't help any that Orion
of course is in the Navy, so as soon as they got down to
Virginia, they had enough time to unpack, and then kiss
goodbye for roughly two weeks (as he was on ship). Not
much time to adjust to married life if you will. So of
course I recieved a million calls from Jen the first week
or so until she finally made what seems to be an actual
good friend. Which is good, she needs some sort of a
support group...otherwise she is basically on her own with
her daughter...I won't go into any other details of their
relationship, as it is no longer my business. I don't
think that Orion fully understands this stance, as I am his
best friend, so under normal circumstances would watch out
for him...but he married her....and she is after all my
sister-in-law, ..and if I were to devulge any of the
information that I have in regards to her or her emotional
state since their union it would cause a world of trouble
for me. So, not to be selfish, but I just can't get into
that..aside from that they are married, they should be
openly communicating with one another...but they seem to
still be working on that...well, at least one party.
Speaking of ex's and almost ex's, etc...it's odd that today
the site sent me a "nag-tag", as I was just talking to my
closest friend ( and yes, an ex!)today and told him that I
did have a journal, but was unsure of the address as I
haven't written in it in a bit...but that I would send him
the address as soon as I got a nag tag, so that he can read
my pointless babble. Why not, he has listened to it for
years! so, it is with taht in mind I am getting off of this
journal, to send him the address....may your dreams bring
you the desires that days light hides from you!( or in
other
words, GOODNITE!)


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