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2004-06-30 07:32:31 (UTC)

feels like being punched in the stomach over n over again, only without bruising or hurthing the outside.

alright... it's a little after midnight, wednesday.. i
still havent seen him since sunday night.... kk, this
entry's gonna be blotchy n extremely out of order...
he's pretty pissed at me, and could come home at any
moment n i dont want him ta catch me writing here again..
bla bla bla.. neway.....

a friend of mine called me this afternoon, some time
before 2pm and told me Jason was up at vickie's
apartment... he's been spending quite a bit of time up
there lately.. fucking tweekers!! i was also told his
car was parcked over near hers... guess i know who drove
him up to his mother's place ta get it yesterday... i
want to throw up. i knocked shortly after that phone
call... that skaggy crank whore answered the door and
lied to my face when i asked if he was there... i told
her he needed to come home, pack his shit and leave like a
man because i'm tired of being played like this.. i was
tired of fucking bitches lying to my face when i ask if
they'd seen him, all the while going straight to where he
is n telling them i'm looking... his friend charlie (a
guy i was told he's suppose to print phoney checks with
and possibly start selling green bud for) DUMBFUCK!! I
hate that he would even think about pulling that bullshit
in my house! Fuck! Like they dont figure the person they
get to cash the checks is going to get caught and rat on
them ta get a few years off of his prison sentance! i
called him back and told him exactly where jason was....
he knocked, and vickie tried telling him he wasnt there..
he made his way in and jason sent him over here to pickup
the computer in the back room, along with the printer!
fucking chicken shit bastard couldnt come and face me
himself! wtf??? that pissed me off more than anything.
i went up to vickie's apartment again, and go figure,
nobody answered the door. i left a note on his car that
said 'chicken shit' took his lisence plate.. called the
cops, gave them the desc. of him and his car as well as
the plate numbers and told them which apartment he was
in. nobody answered the door at vickies, so they left. :-
( now i'm afraid he's going to come back and start shit
with me... i dont want to go to bed because i'm afraid
he'll come in while i am and take everything worth
anything from my apartment.. i'm afraid one of his
skaggy bitches is going to jump me while i'm taking my
garbage out at night, or walking my laundry down to the
laundry room... maybe even steal my clothes again. :-S
hate fucking tweekers! how can a person do these kind of
things to another person??? i feel guilty about calling
the cops.. but honestly, i'm glad i did.. and i'll do
it again if he shows up. well, i know for a fact things
are probably over with.. FINALLY! there's no way in hell
he cant know i called on him... btw, forgot to explain he
has a couple warrents for not completeing or even showing
up for his 15 days in jail. i know he's what's ruining
me, and need to get him as far away from me as i can.
that's going to be hard considering we have rinnie.. i
know i dont want her around him as long as he's living
like this and doing the things he's doing... i can just
see him leaving her sleeping in her bed at night while he
runs across the complex to spend about three or four
hours... maybe he wont come home and she'll wake up alone
in the morning... fuck that. why is it so easy for him
to be a piece of shit?? why the hell do i miss him?? I
FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR THAT!!! not cutting on myself,
though.. i dont want that to help him take my daughter
from me.. i know i've said it before, but i'm going to
have to quit smoking weed too... grrr... that's the only
thing that helps me eat and sleep like a normal person.
lol alright, gonna smoke a ciggy n take a cat nap on
the couch.. god please dont let him come home. dont
know why i'm so scared of him.. well, i do, but i know
it's pretty rediculous. he plays head games... and i
play into them extremely easily.. i've only really begun
to realise that.. know it's not all me... i still hate
that we couldnt end on good terms.. going to make things
very difficult.