polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-06-29 18:51:32 (UTC)

My Vietnam

It's really hot, I'm sweating like mad. Class was okay
today, but my star actor didn't show up so I was freaking
out calling for a replacement. Of course no one could do it
because it was 9 and everyone was either asleep or
somewhere else, so as the very last resort I called avz and
he reluctantly said he would do it. So tomorrow he'll come
to class with me and star in my film. I really didn't want
to have to call and ask him for that, but there was nothing
else I could do. I had been totally screwed over. So with
nothing else to do, we shot an impromptu film that actually
turned out really well. I played the new girl, from Canada,
Eva, who attracted jerks. Sounds fun, eh?
So really I haven't done anything since class except
read, play soccer with the Asians, and try to focus on
laundry, but I decided first to check up on the m-diary to
see if anyone had posted anything new. Tubesock had, and so
I read it...nothing complicated, I just did...and I ended
up crying again. I always manage to fuck things up, even
when I don't intend to or realize it. I've totally fucked
up his life and his mind and just stood there like some
oblivious idiot ruining things. And he wrote that avz said
he felt nothing for me for the last two months of school,
and that dating me wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.
In that last few months we'd talked a lot and spent time
together, watched movies at my house (aka snogged on my
couch), everything normal. And me and my dumb self thought
everything was fine. All the complaining I did here was
just me being a brat, and he fell for that, I guess.
There's good and bad in everyone. You can't spend every
second of every day with anyone, and I was disappointed by
that. And he put soccer ahead of everything, but I
understood that. I wasn't in favor of it, but I am so
attracted to people with passion - and he had a passion for
soccer. Thinking about this is making me break down again.
Why did I have to be so stupid? And I'm still so stupid. I
really wish I could do the last two months over. But
wishing won't do me any good.
I'm overflowing with emotion. I don't know what to do.
All I CAN do is put my head in my hands and cry. I'm such a
fuckup. And Tubesock is still convinced that I like him. Do
I have to put it on a giant sign by the road? I don't
fucking like him. I don't care what anyone says. I don't
care what anyone thinks. I don't know if I act like it or
what, but it's not that I like him. Maybe it's because I'm
fucking miserable, bitter, and alone. And half of me wants
to be alone, but half of me wants to be with someone else.
I am torn. But I'm so paranoid that all the other people
are the same, and I will never be at peace. To put a
greater weight on everyone's shoulders, my uncle is having
substance abuse problems again. Family members are calling
every other minute to give information or find out what we
know. And the house situation is pissing everyone off. We
all need a break from eachother. I need a break from
Tubesock, and need to spend more time with my other best
friends. They won't accuse me of liking them. That is so
fucked up I can't stand it. I don't even want to think
about it anymore. The things that avz said really hurt me,
I mean really really hurt me. I hate to give myself away
and show the world my weaknesses. But I don't know what
else to do. It fucking kills me. Lies, more lies. I can't
stand any more lies. And he was not a bad boyfriend, no
matter how I made it seem or what he said. He made me feel
good about myself, and OH FUCK IT ALL ITS OVER AND I KEEP
ON FUCKING THINGS UP. I am at war in my mind here, my own
personal Vietnam. I don't know what to do with myself. All
I can do is chastise myself and call myself a fuckup. That
and cry until my sockets feel drained.
I am sick of feeling like a loser, like I don't belong
anywhere, like I have nothing. I want to go somewhere,
anywhere but here, and start over. I wish my dad would take
that job in London, but like I said, wishing won't do me
any good. Christ, I just saw myself in the mirror. I'm
tired, sweaty, and sooty, and a little sad looking. I look
like one of those little kids in Mexico that you can
sponsor for 80 cents a month. And I look at pictures from
months ago when I was happy and radiant. I think I almost
look pretty in some of them, the not drunk looking ones. I
want my Vietnam to end. I want to be the radiant and happy
person I was before. I'm starting to think maybe I can't do
anything I want to, like flying. The sky is so far away.
I had a dream last night that I moved to London and
stayed in a flat that overlooked the central part of the
beautiful city. It was my first day of my new school, and I
was so afraid, but so confident all the same. And no one
took to me quite yet. I was foreign, an alien, after all.
But eventually everyone warmed up and I changed their lives
with my strange ways of thinking - but for the better. I
guess that's always been a dream of mine, to have such a
huge impact on someone's life. Like I'm not really what
they expect, not at all what they want, but exactly what
they need. And they could look back and say that this
amazing girl changed their lives forever. That seems a
little odd, right? It's just a dream though. A fantasy. And
speaking of fantasies, that one I was talking about last
night about being held and whatnot, it was just a thought,
ya know? Like it'll never happen, and I didn't have anyone
in mind when I said it. I just have a special place in my
heart for hugs, and that place is empty and aching right
now. It's just very very rough, everything. And the clouds
won't let up on me. Things just keep coming, getting worse.
It's a terrible case of bad luck. Well there is much work
at the house to be done, and I guess it's my duty to do it.

Pray for me.

------------------------------------------------------------
Lyrics for the day:

Daddy was a soldier.
He taught me about freedom,
Peace, and all the great things
That we take advantage of.
Once I fed the homeless,
I'll never forget
The look upon their faces
As I treated them with respect.

This is my Vietnam,
I'm at war.
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score.

Momma was a lunatic, yes.
She liked to push my buttons.
She said I wasn't good enough
But I guess I wasn't trying.
I never liked school that much,
She tried to teach me better,
But I just wasn't hearing it
Because I thought I was
Already pretty clever.

This is my Vietnam,
I'm at war.
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score.

What do you expect from me?
What am I not giving you?
What could I do for you
To make me okay in your eyes?

This is my Vietnam,
I'm at war.
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score.

-"My Vietnam", Pink

I haven't listened to it in a while, and I'd forgotten how
much I love it. It's such a beautiful song, so powerful. It
says so well what I want to say. Especially the
bridge, "What do you expect from me? What am I not giving
you? What could I do for you to make me okay in your eyes?"
That's not to any certain person or anything, it's just out
there. To everyone, to myself even.


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