psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
Ad 2:
2004-06-28 22:55:09 (UTC)

Old stuf

I've decided to type everything I've ever written and have
it published. I'm bored.
-----------------------------------------------------------

August 5, 2002

So its been 3 years... how fucking crazy... we went to the
beach and came back here and it was all just so amazing...
I WANT FOREVER... but no, no because he doesnt. he doesnt
want to be with me. ive been wanting to talk about it,
tell him it cant be like this anymore, but i cant. its not
what he wants. and i cant lose him, i cant... even though
it hurts every day.. im sad every time i think of it.. and
no matter what he does, even though it makes me stay, it
doesnt change the situation.. i mean, i could understand if
hes confused, but how confused can he be? he either loves
me or he doesnt.

'you wana go, you wana stay, you really blew my world, i
dont wana die anymore, i need to give you up, oh baby, did
you think that i was strong? oh baby, cant you see that
you were wrong?'

i'm so tired of alll the mixed feelings and bullshit and
HER. MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY. lol. its really
driving me insane. like i needed a reason.

if i could have any power in the world, id be able to see
inside his mind, to know and understand him... because i
really dont... i dont even think he does know half of it...

August 7, 2002

I had my orientation at Valencia this morning. I'm not
into it at all actually... probably just cus Im concerned
with finding a job. I applied at a bunch of places today
though. Im so fucking tired. hes been so cute the last
couple few days, so im kinda waiting for him to fuck up...
i wish i knew he wouldnt though. Sebastien and i went
looking for jobs, ran into Gus and Dawn, and when Marcy
gets home we're going out for burritos. I really dont like
gus at all. hes two-faced. but whatever, hes leaving, so
i dont care. i just thought he was my friend, but i see
that hes not and i blame him partly for some of the shit
with matt. Anyway... i have so much shit to do but i feel
kinda funny.. i dont know. ugh! we've been so cute and
having so much fun, what is wrong with him?? yay i wrote
ani lyrics on the wall. :) why cant he stop being stupid
and just let me love him and make him happy??

"Some days the line I walk turns out to be straight, Other
days the line tends to deviate."

Its funny cus I dont think I like boys at all actually. I
always said I was completely half, but its weird. Girls
are pretty, boys are ugly. Girls are sweet, boys are
assholes. Girls are better. But yet I want to spend the
rest of my life with a boy. He's the only one.

August 8, 2002

Todays not a good day.. I feel like, weird.. sad cus I'm so
scared he'll go away again. I had these awful dreams all
night again. Real-feeling. Alli wants me to go to Crystal
Meth tomorrow. I dont know, she said she'll pay for me,
which is cute, but I feel bad. I dont know. Whats he doing?
"im looking for a sign that youre for real this time, but i
dont trust whats in your head."
it ended up being a pretty good night, actually. we went
to eat and we were guna go to guinevere's to see amy
steinberg but i knew he didnt want to so we saw a movie and
then came back here. i was of course happy to be with him,
but later something seemed different, more like usual than
like recently. oh well, im probably imagining it, im
tired so im going to bed.
"i'm not touched, but im aching to be.."

August 9, 2002

I wonder sometimes why I even bother with these journals.
I mean, I know what makes me happy and what makes me sad
and all, when theres a reason. Anyway.
TOday, my allergies are particularly bad. I dont expect to
see Matt, he said he works 3-11 and wont be by after.
Maybe this is awful, but I dont think hes going to work at
all, I think hes lying. Maybe Im wrong and a bitch to say
that because he's been so nice. last night, something
seemed different though. I dont know, we'll see.
hopefully i'm wrong.

So i went to lunch with my parents. Being around them
never fails to make me sad.. i dont want to end up like
them. and besides feeling bad for them both, while still
disgusted, its uncomfortable. i have to sit up straight
and keep my scars hidden and make sure i dont look at any
girls. just sit and try to fucking smile while she tells
me how sick he is and how depressed she is. try to fucking
smile and not cry or scream while at the same time
wondering how the fuck my own mother cant see through my
facade?
i love him, thats all i know. even though i realize expect
and apparently accept that he'll hurt me sooner or later.
theres always the hope that this time its different. maybe
THIS time he'll prove them all wrong...

Or maybe not. Instead maybe he'll lie to me, make a fool
of me, and prove again and again that he's going to do what
he wants and not think twice of how i feel. he is a LIAR
he has always been a LIAR and he will always be a LIAR.
and i will always be an idiot. to think i could ever be
more than his little whore.

"Why do you let him do this to you, adrienne? because you
love him? do you even KNOW him? you cant love someone you
dont even KNOW. and he doesnt fucking love you. he wouldnt
treat you like shit and lie to you if he loved you."

Same things, different situation. Same words shes been
saying forever. What the fuck do they know? More than me
apparently. numb.

August 10, 2002

hm. even though its only 2am, ill start today now. dont
let him be lying. he called and came over and i was mad
and he was all.. he looked for a job for me today and
bought me the cutest thing, a fairy mirror and he says he
went over there to break up with her cus it was in the way
and please just dont let him be bullshitting, i dont
actually think he is, but.. i have to remember things'll
end up the way theyre meant to. and i still believe we're
meant to be together. its his name written on my heart.

August 10, 2002 6:52 pm

Ive been sleeping way too much. I know cus now Im always
tired but cant sleep well. Ive been having insane dreams
too, mostly scary, but not last night. Last night I was
with Alli, drinking in a pool bar somewhere, and Katie
showed up totally fucked up. We all had crazy masks on.
Weird, but not scary at least.

I should be online looking for a job. I was guna go out to
the club with Marcy and Alli tonight, James said he might
go, but I dont feel like it right now. Ive been really
restless and fickle lately. Also I cant find my ID, which
is annoying. I might stay in and try to get some shit
done. I havent talked to Kendra in months or seen Sam in a
year. Shes married now. Living such a different life, Im
sure. I wonder if I'll ever see her again. I miss
Claudia. I think I broke my comptuer. He said 'love you'
on the phone. he makes me better. calm. i want to love
him and give him everything. and i want to trust him.

August 11, 2002

Im bored today. I went over and saw my Mom but its like
she tries to make me feel awful.
I was thinking at the pool though. There was a little girl
with her dad, playing and racing and so cute. And i was
like, 'shes so cute,' and it made me smile. then i
realized, i can think 'i never had that with MY father,
fuck him for being such a bastard asshole,' or i can
think 'shes so cute.' i can think 'too bad that cute
little girls going to grow up to be a selfish slutty bitch
whore junkie,' ... or i can think 'shes so cute.'

i really need a job. im going crazy with shit to do every
day, im bored out of my mind. i went to jinks' house with
marcy today and saw claudia.. i thought id see matt, but i
ended up not. which was more disappointing because he
didnt even bother to call.. but he says hes with gus, so i
understand, since he's leaving and all. and even hearing
his voice, not the usual annoyed one, it made me feel kinda
better. he really calms me down. i know i came off pretty
bitchy, but. im too tired for all this right now. i
really hope i find a job tomorrow. and i really hope my
thing comes soon..

august 12, 2002

for just a moment, i think i believed he had figured it
out, but i dont think he will or could ever feel the way i
do, or even understand, and im so fucking tired of trying
to figure it out and im so fucking tired of waiting for him.

august 13, 2002

i was really stressed yesterday. ive been getting that way
a lot. but at least my thing came.
speaking of which, marias having a baby boy in deccember.
thats so fucking insane.
im still having trouble finding a convienient job. i
decided schools important, so i'll deal with that first.
matts advice, which is almost always important.
i have to remember that i have a lot of stresses right now
and i shouldnt take it out on him. i feel like he changed
his mind..

august 17, 2002

i need to save a lot of money and move out by myself. im
pretty over my roommates and their drugs and music and
constant lesbian drama. but it could be worse.
i got a job! i start tomorrow at don pablos, orientation.
i wont get my first check until september 5.
god, you know, sometimes i just really wish i had the balls
to drive offa bridge - no matter what i do, i fuck up. i
got into this big fight with my mom tonight, i went over to
spend soem time with her cus i got so mad at her last
night - she came home totally trashed and she drives like
that all the way from laurie's and i hate it, but so i was
all happy, i got a job, registered for classes, figured out
i'll be all caught up by mid-september and i can start
saving, and its all 'fuck you, you shouldnt have left me,
fuck you for wanting to go to school when its so expensive,
fuck you fuck you fuck you.' yeah maybe i shouldnt have
moved out yet. i could be saving money and not dealing
with certain shit. but that is WHY i left, she makes me
feel so worthless. wheres matt? and more importantly,
when is he going to stop being cute and push me right over
the edge?

i have to not be like this.

i have to remember that hes trying. and hes being good to
me. my stresses are not his fault, so i cant take it out on
him when i feel like this.

i also have to not depend on him so much.

not only cus im afraid hes not dependable, just cus my own
problems cant always be his, he has his own, and he cant
always be here. i have to learn to be stronger on my own.
ill only lose him again going crazy on him. and theres too
much else going on for me to live just for him again. i
know how fast it can happen, and where it can get me.

'the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and
be loved in return.' -moulin rouge.

my heart aches completely, every hour, every day - only
when i am with you does that pain go away.

august 18, 2002

i really love that movie, moulin rouge. its so sad. i
cant wait for cold weather! and i cant wait to have extra
money and not have to worry.
he came by last night, just showed up:) i was so surprised
and happy.
i talked to one of marcys friends last night. he was
really interesting, he likes tool and fiona apple. hes
going to full sail, which is impressive. not very cute -
maybe a 6 - but nice.
gus left today. now who will tell on matt and talk shit
about him while pretending to be his friend? i feel bad
cus i think matt really liked him. well, people are
stupid. but now i have him all to myself! until the next
something 'better' comes along anyway. no one will ever
love him as much as i do.
everyones leaving soon. i havent talked to ashley.
im happy right now:) i hope i see him tonight.

'i love you, and you love me, aint that the way its
supposed to be?' - ani d.

august 19, 2002

WHAT a shitty day. this is why i moved out. shes fucking
insane.
i felt bad calling caroline for help. but who else? matt
was at work and i didnt even talk to him until it was all
over and done with.
yeah so i fucked up - why are they all so surprised?
i always do.
but someday, it will be okay. by october, money will be
okay, and when my lease is up i'll make a better choice.
if i cant get out of it sooner. but how can i go back there
to this mindfuckcontrol bullshit?
i think if things werent so good with him, i would have
just driven off a bridge. at that moment, my mother
threatening to call the police to take everything, he was
all i could think of. what the fuck will i do when he goes
away next time?
i wish i could know that someday it will be okay. that
someday my life wont be such a mess and ill be something
and just love him and he'll take care of me and we can both
just be happy and know that everything is okay, better than
okay. i just want to stop fucking up.

"I dont want to sleep with uncertainty"
Sex is such a give and take thing, it should be. Not
always. But when its good, with some element of love,
sometimes Im more into taking. like tonight. but usually
i dont really care, to me its more about making him feel
good, i love that feeling. i cry when it feels distant.
when it feels too much like just sex. thats when i cry.
its too much to take when i feel like hes not really there,
like it means so much more to me. and im pretty sure he
doesnt get that.

August 21, 2002

"Love lifts us up where we belong." -Moulin Rouge

Its late. im playing uno with my roomates. i saw alli and
dawn tonight. matt was kinda in a bad mood. or maybe just
tired. but i never believe people who say "i'm just
tired," cus thats what i say. So I start work Monday, and
school Tuesday. I'm excited to be busier and all. but im
afraid i'll never see him. and im also worried about him
going away from me again. and why? why should he? doesnt
it seem obvious that we'll end up together? i dont know,
it sucks. i wish things had never gotten so fucked up and
ugh, never mind, im going to sleep.

'come what may, i will love you until my dying day..'

august 22, 2002

its a full moon. i said goodbye to dawn tonight. she
started crying. it bothered me more than i would expect.
its just weird. god, at least he's not leaving. i would
lose it.
hes sick. :( i hate when hes sick. i feel so bad for him.
we got our decals and ids today. he was so crabby on the
phone tonight but probably just cus he feels shitty.
so i went to dinner with marcy (sarahs out of town) and we
came back here to play uno with claudia and kat. it was a
lot of fun for awhile but now im over it... getting drunk,
talking shit.. blah..

'belief our direction, salute the essence of two
performers, a pleasure-ridden torture, but oh my dear, im
always near, and oh my dear, heal..'

marcy was talking tonight about how gina fucked up sarah so
much thats why shes how she is. and i wonder, did i do
this to him? he loved me so fucking much, but then why cant
i undo it? i try so hard to give him everything. i dont
feel so good...


august 23, 2002

i dont feel good. i think i got the job at lexmark.
everyones gone except matt and claudia. i havent seen him
in days. i guess i better get used to it. but hes sick
and i wish i could help, i took cough drops today. he
didnt even call me... i guess i should understand that hes
sick. but i feel really weird. like what are we doing?
why are we even bothering?? could we ever in a million
years possibly break through all the bullshit? will i ever
ever be able to trust him? should i? why am i still here?
why is he?
this is my dream: we are married, rich, happy, secure,
perfect and we both know we'll never get fucked up again.
could it ever come true?

august 25, 2002

i dont think matts happy.. i wish i could make him be..
yesterday was so great..

today was the first day of school. not a bad day. i got
the job at lexmark and i start the 9th. :) itd be cool if
matt gets one there too. im sick. i have a lot to do but
no energy.

august 29 2002

i HATE being sick! and i hate being a hostess! and i hate
having no money! but soon i'll have lots of money. in a
month or two. and even though im hateful, im pretty
happy. hes being so cute and i like it a lot :)

'nothings what your words mean to me, something that you
did will destroy you, something that you said will stay
with me , long after youre dead and gone, nothing said
could change the fact, my trust was blind, you broke the
pact...'

September 3 2002

its september! i start at lexmark soon. thats exciting...
soon i'll have lots fo money and not have to worry
anymore.. on october 15, i want to go to athens, ga to see
ANI! i dont know if i'll have the money though... last
night matt and i looked at baby pictures.. he was so
fucking cute.. i put one on my notebook. i love him so
much, that whole idea of keeping some safe distance, yeah,
i dont think its working out too well, but maybe thats
okay:) i hate hate hate working at don pablos. but i'll
be done soon. 2 more days! i like school, i wish i was in
more classes, but i hate speech class.


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