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2004-06-27 23:59:05 (UTC)


I was doing so good.. well, not really.. still the
same paranoid, emotional wreck!!! But I hadnt hurt
myself in well over a month... Aside from occasionally
pounding my lighter into my knees, but still, no bruises,
no cuts, no burns.. I'm finding that just seeing the
scars there arent enough.. Even though the want was
still there, I was strong enough to overcome it... GOD I
NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! ( I dont even know
where 'hear' is.. I just need to get the fuck out!)
I cut myself again last night.. more like early this
morning... sumtime after midnight.. 6 times with a piece
of glass i'd picked up off of the desk in the backroom
shortly after Jaime'd dropped and broken the frog on his
pipe. It's funny. I had no intentions of cutting myself
when i picked it up and hid it in the little box on my
dresser... quite the opposite.. I really didnt want to
hurt myself anymore... well, at the time.. It was more
like a "just in case" thing. I know that's a cop out, and
most would say i wanted to the whole time, whether or not
i planned to use it or not.. Most people dont know what
it's like to fien for a piece of glass. How fucking sad
is that???
Hours later.. it was already daylight out... late
morning.. I'd felt the same all fucking night... all
morning... I tried to cut myself, but there's something
about stopping for so long... it's like you lose the
nerve to do it... the cuts i'd done earlier were
considered more as deep scratches.. I burned myself on
the same arm 5 times with a needle i'd heated up w/ my
lighter.. We were still arguing, it still wasnt enough..
Two failed attempts to cut myself with the needle.. what
was i thinking?
I'm so sick of feeling like this.. and i only feel
like this when you're here. Why wont you just leave
me??? Leave me for that fat skag if you think she's so
fucking attractive. you think she's so attractive, gotta
luv those crank whore. makes it easier for u to keep your
little habbit, eh? i know you dont think the same about
me.. fuck her again!!! god i hate you so much
sometimes.. and love you at the same time... that makes
me hate myself even more!!!! how the fuck can i still
love you??? after all you've done to me??? i just
fucking hate! kill me.


i forgot to write about this.. the night before
father's day, Jason took off to another apartment with
a 'friend' around midnight.... didnt come home until
sometime after 9am. said he'd gotten too drunk and
couldnt walk across the complex to come home, let alone
pick up the fucking phone to call me.. i hate you!!!!

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