The Blue of my Oblivion
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And the rain just keeps falling...
Back at the house for an hour or so. I'm doing laundry
and cleaning. I ran out of clothes and had to sleep in the
clothes I was wearing yesterday. So it's good that I get to
come back and get everything into shape. I knew the
insurance company was going to send us a cleaning crew that
specializes in cleaning up after fires, but I thought they
were just going to scrub the walls and do some painting and
mopping or whatever, but they are cleaning the WHOLE house!
It's crazy. My room has never been so spotless. I'm trying
not to seem like a snob, sitting at the computer while
they're working their asses off. I should be helping them.
But I needed to get some journaling in beforehand.
I can't wait for this all to be over, to get back into
this house which will be totally redone. But my dad asked
if we wanted to paint to our tastes, or paint to sell. I
wonder. Would we move? Where? I mean, I've been wanting to
move for forever and three days, but it's never seemed
realistic before now. My dad has always been a big
cheapster and well, I guess now it's the perfec time. But
God, my house has never been so clean! It's a little sad
that it took a fire to push us, but considering the
circumstances, I'm kind of glad because now we get the
chance to get our lives back on track.
Tubesock had his birthday fiesta yesterday, and we were
supposed to go to his camp dealy and he was going to show
off his skiing skill (and really none of that impresses me,
it takes a lot to impress me, but I was still ready to see
what he's got)but that got rained out so we saw Dodgeball.
It was so much better than I'd expected. That Ben Stiller
is one funny guy. I'd have to say the only problem with the
whole movie was that Ms. Anne kept laughing super loud in
my ear. I know I'm a loud person, I have no hearing in my
left ear and often times cannot hear how loud I'm laughing
or talking, but jeezums that lady is so loud. She's very
cool though, one of the few parents I'm comfy around. But I
guess that comes from having known her for two or three
years. Parents take getting used to. So after the movie we
piled in the van and drove to casa del Tubesock and goofed
around there. Chris and his new blow gun were torturing
everyone, and his favorite target happened to be my boobs.
He hit them over and over. My poor, poor boobs. Then he hit
me straight in the eyeball. I got up and tackled him in the
hallway, but didn't get far in that because Applex (who
doesn't like to be called Applex so I have to come up with
a new name) and Chris jumped on him. And we had the
traditional cake and ice cream and then went upstairs and
hung out...uh...in the closet type thing...I don't really
know why we did that. I went in to see what was back there,
then avz (the artist formerly known as Applex) followed me
in, then Tubesock, then Chris, and we must have been in
there for like 45 minutes before we decided it was too hot
and there were better things to do than be stuck in a
closet. We trampolined and they had a pillow fight and I
was getting sort of tiredish and fell half asleep in
Tubesock's bed. Avz ate fruit loops off my boobs at one
point, and I wasn't sure what that was all about (but he
fed some fruit loops to me, so he was on my good side). And
had his head on my shoulder at some point, and did other
things of that nature. And I had my head on a pillow next
to where he was sitting on the couch, and I sleep with my
hands under the pillow, so I had my hands there, and I felt
his hands on mine. And my first instinct was to take them
away, so I did. But they ended up back there within seconds
at least. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I wasn't going
to say anything. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but I was
getting really confused by what was going on.
He told them he didn't like me anymore, but he told me at
one point that he did. So I don't know what to think. And
he told me he didn't like Tess anymore, but they said he
does. I dunno what he wants, how he feels, or anything. I
just want to know what's going on. If he still likes me,
why did he give up in the first place? But school starts up
soon enough, and we both think the other is going to be
swatting off the opposite sex like flies. But maybe not,
maybe neither of us will find anyone. Or worse, maybe he'll
find someone and I won't, or the other way around. Now I
just sound whiney. I just really need to know what
he's feeling, if he is how he says or how his friends say.
All I know is that I can't stand getting lied to again.
Lies have killed me more than anyone would ever know, and I
don't really want to talk about details. I couldn't handle
any more lies. God, not now, especially with everything
I really want, more than ever, for everything to go back
to the way it was. I want my house back, my boyfriend back,
my life in general back. I want to be happy like I was just
a few months ago. I'm so sick of all of this. All of this
wondering, all the confusion, all of the uncertainty, all
of the myhouseburning, all of the rain. What I really
really need is some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream,
and a huge life changing hug. That's something that I
haven't gotten at all yet. A hug. From my own family even.
And the rain just keeps falling. I haven't seen the sun in
so long. I guess I just need lovin right now, like my mom
said. I have no one to help me through this, because
everyone in my family needs their own personal space, and
quite frankly I don't like them very much right now anyway.
And my girly friends are gone or busy all the time, and my
guy friends are too busy or into themselves. Not to mention
the kind of lovin I need I probably won't get from them,
and the kind of lovin I'd get from them probably isn't the
kind of lovin I need.
The new hotel is fabulous, and I'm ready to get back to
take a nice, long shower, and get some foooooood. I haven't
eaten anything since last night when I had a piece of pizza
and some cake.
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Lyric of the day:
I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me.
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average everyday sane psycho,
Average everyday sane psycho.
-"Extraordinary", Liz Phair
It's been stuck in my head all day, it reminds me of me in