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2004-06-27 05:29:38 (UTC)


today.. i worked 8-3:30, came home and listened to my mom
bitch at me for an hour, left for babysitting. babysat 5-
10. i worked on my calc summer assignment. megan and i are
meeting on tuesday (my only day off in the week, and for
the next two weeks). hopefully we will get a chunk of it
done. after babysitting i drove to my boyfriends to hang
out. i get there, we go downstairs bc his family is in
town. he wants to do something on the net, so he goes over
to the comp, i go and plya his drums and then linger to the
comp. a habit is to look at his people's away
messages/profiles bc im bored. so i did, and came across
his friend, mike's, profile. which says the following.

him: Some like swimsuit model came in today (gamestop) she
had implants! I was like OMG
his friend: Ew, fake is nasty
him: not in person
his friend: I dont like huge boobs like that though, I like
a nice B or C, maybe a small D,you know?
him: Mike I dont care, they are boobs

wow. fucking confidence booster right there. Yea.. he is
one of the only people i have talked to about my
insecurities... and right there in his conversation with
his buddy, he made me feel like the dog shit stuck to my
shoe. because of our "relationship" i was so comfortable
around him. with everything. but not anymore. i had to
leave his house tonight bc i was disgusted with myself.
this is something i have been fighting for years, a lovely
side effect of depression. i was feeling a lot better about
myself recently, due to im losing some of the weight i
gained due to my 3 months of lying on a couch bc of my knee
surgery. and i was happy bc of my "situation" so i was
feeling better about myself and wasn't so down. shit
changed in about the 10 seconds it took me to read that
conversation. and then he said his friend altered the
convo, so i asked to read it, and he said no.. hiding
something? i dont know.. i thought we were at a point where
we were open and what not. guess not. and then as we were
sitting on the couch, he tries to pull some stuff
like "your pretty blah blah" yea well, im not what you
want, im not a swim suit model, i dont have DD boobs, and
im not 90 lbs. sorry. so i came home early, like i said bc
i was physically sick bc i got to thinking about stuff. and
i came home... cried on my bed for a little while and
figured i had to get some aggression out. it was about 11
pm so i couldn't go out for a run. so i strolled down the
steps to our basement to my 80 lb. punching bag. my dad is
my hero for getting that. so yea, i was down there for a
good 45 minutes beating the shit out of that thing. i love
that... as i hit it, i pretend its the person or thing im
upset with and say things i want SO bad to say to their
face but i can't. so anyway, that got some stress out, but
not all of it and i was getting too hott and sweaty, ha, so
i came upstairs and have been listening to music since then.

well, i think im digging a deep hole by writing about this,
bc im not sure he wants it to be out in the open, well,
guess what.. no one reads it anyway, so you have nothign to
worry about.

im done writing... just thinking about all this makes me
really emotional and im trying hard not to cry anymore.
When you cry everyday for a week, you dont want to anymore.
but i can't help it, and no one understands.