waseca

chronicallytrapt
2004-06-25 23:52:39 (UTC)

liars

how can you learn to differentiate between the real and
imagined? how can you learn to tell the difference between
the truth and a lie. how can you define right and wrong or
know which of two contradictory people is the one who is
really looking out for you?

it's been ages since i last wrote. i'll catch u up on all
my bull shit in a bit. but i need to write this now.
bradley has been here for a week now. last night i spent
the night with him. we ended up in his bedroom, making
out...and what-not...i did something i'm not really proud
of or enthusiastic about and can honestly admit i am
somewhat ashamed of what i did (or allowed to happen)i am
happy to say however that I AM STILL A VIRGIN. i just got
off the phone with brad's cousin dana who he is staying
with. over the last week since brad got here we've hung
out quite a bit. i've gotten to know dana relatively well.
she called me a few minutes ago and asked if i knew brad
and her brother were doing something tonight. i told her
i'd talked to brad and he told me they were going to do
something for a while but he would call me later. now i
realize the next things i'm about to write are going to
sound like the ramblings of an insane church gossip so the
validity of my present worries might seem unfounded and
immature but let me get this out.

dana started by saying how much she thought brad was being
an ass cause when she asked why he wasn't hanging out with
me tonight he said he'd been with me the last couple days
and he'd have time to see me later and he didn't want to
be around me right now. alright, this wouldn't send up a
red flag to any normal person and even tho i was kinda put
down about it i could understand. the next thing she asked
me about was the night before...needless to say i didn't
want to share any details with her being she is brad's
cousin, but apparently he'd already told her everything
that had happened. what bothered me about the rendition of
last night's events that dana told me brad had told her
was it included an instance where i was asking brad for
sex and he was the one turning me down. i realize my
memory could be somewhat foggy but i can clearly remember
brad being the one to ask if i wanted to and me telling
him "NO" this was starting to bother me. i can understand
him not wanting to be with me all the time. he has other
people here he wants to see but him telling a complete lie
to his cousin about something that happened between the
two of us...i was irritated. the last thing dana told me
before i got done talking with her was that earlier today
she had asked brad if he and i had sex together while he
was here if he would do stuff with other girls down in
tennessee when he left. dana told me his response had
been "yes"..............

if anything dana has told me is true then the guy who has
been telling me he loves me for the last year and a half,
the one who told me he wasn't sure we should do anything
sexual because he didn't want to hurt me, the one who told
me he would always be there for me and that there would
never been anyone except me for him and has told me he has
even thought about marrying me has been lying this entire
time. i know this is a huge conviction to dish out based
on one conversation with his cousin who could concievably
be lying. i dont' know dana well enough to trust her
completely and i know she is a jealous type (*ie i've been
spending a lot of time with her cousin) i'd like to talk
to tyler and find out if there really is any reason i
should be worried but that in itself might not be very
reliable or safe either. i know him and brad argued about
something to do with me. brad has told me more than once
that tyler is very jealous of him(brad) because tyler has
feelings for me. i don't know if this is true, i suppose
it could be but tyler knows full well how i feel about
brad so i can't see him entertaining any ideas involving
him and myself. the only thing brad told me when i asked
what they had been fighting about was that tyler thinks
brad is going to hurt me somehow.i'm not the sort of
person to base anything on heresay and gossip most
especially when it is about something as contradictory as
this seems to be. i will save whatever emotions i'm going
through right now for when i have a difinitive answer to
my questions. does brad have a reason to lie to me? woudl
he hurt me? is he just interested in sex. most signs point
to "no" why keep up that sort of pretense for a year just
to get sex when he could get it anytime he wants down
south, especially when it was due to a completely sporadic
chance that he's here at all. then again, he could so
easily be lying. my experiences last summer were enought
to teach me that things are not always how they appear,
but also that you have to be very careful about who you
trust and how much you trust them. i don't know but...i'm
off to draw my own conclusions....




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