polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-06-25 06:30:58 (UTC)

casa del fuego

It was around four when I woke up to the sound of my dad
screaming my name. All I could think was, "Oh fuck. What
are they screaming at me for now? Am I late?" Then I sat
up to look at the clock. I thought I was still dreaming -
I could not see a thing, even my own hand in front of me.
I knew the house was filled with smoke, but it didn't
click with me right away that there was a fire until I saw
it. I didn't know what to do, all I could do was stand
there and watch my dad run choke on the thick smoke as he
tried to put the fire out. And my mother was screaming my
name, and all I could do was stand there. I was in shock.
I couldn't move. I heard my mom say, "Oh my God she's not
answering," and I screamed as loud as I could, "I'm here,
I'm right here, I'm okay." And my dad started screaming in
my face. I was still frozen. The rest of my family was on
one side of the fire, I was on the other. It seemed so
surreal, like I was out of my body, watching myself. And I
was yelling at myself, "Move! Run!" but I couldn't.
Everything was going so slow. My mom was still screaming,
but I couldn't see her. My mind wandered. I wondered where
my cat was, if my brother was out, what started the fire.
I knew I had to run, but I couldn't. I was still in a
sleepy stupor, and the smoke was really getting to me.
Finally I snapped into it, and fought the smoke to the
ground. I was struggling to find my way out, but I was so
distracted by the millions of thoughts going at thousands
of miles per hour in my brain. My couch was ablaze, and my
brother had been sleeping on the couch. How did he not
notice? He could have died.
Seconds turned to hours, it seemed. I finally found my
mom's face and ran to her. She caught me in her arms and
we ran outside into the street where my brother was
waiting. My dad was still inside. My mom called 911 and
the fire department came very quickly. My dad had gotten a
lot of the fire out, but we had no idea how much damage
there was to the house. There was so much smoke. God, so
much smoke. Everywhere. One of the firemen came to talk to
us and ask questions about what happened. I didn't know
anything since my room is in a separate part of the house.
My mom said my dad woke up because he smelled smoke, and
he ran out then she heard him screaming. They said had my
dad woken up even a minute later, the fire could have been
much much worse and my brother could have been seriously
burned. My dad got burned a little bit. Blisters. Yuck.
And my house is fucking gross. All charred and smokey. We
had to throw a bunch of shit out this morning. The couch,
the table, a bunch of books and paintings. Pictures,
movies. The ceiling is completely black, and the walls are
all burnt. The glass is cracked and smokey, and the
carpets are ruined. The whole rest of the house is covered
in nothing but ash. We have ash all over us still, even
after multiple showers and whatnot. Our clothes are still
full of it and smell like smoke. There's ash under my
finger nails and STILL in my hair, just everywhere.
After the firemen were all gone (and after they let Jo
and I put on their coats and hats and tour the
firetruck :o) we showered, packed bags, and left for a
hotel. My mom was having an anxiety attack and so my dad
just wanted to get her somewhere comfy where she could
sleep and be happy. That's where I am now, the hotel, on
my mom's laptop in bed. We checked out the house a few
hours ago. The insurance people came to check it out as
well, and they have a cleanup crew that is going to fix a
lot of the damage, but we don't know how long it'll take.
We have to find another place to stay. My dad's buddy
offered to put us up in his appartment complex for a
while. But anyway, when we went to the house, we had to
carry a lot of things out and start cleaning. The cleaning
crew tore up the carpet and started fanning out the smoke.
But we have to go every day to clean, which sucks a lot. I
was really worried about Neely, my baby. He's my pride and
joy, and I was heartbroken when we couldn't find him. But
Dad called me from the house while we were eating lunch
and said that they found him hiding in my mom's closet.
When we went a little while ago he was hiding under my bed
and wouldn't come out. I finally got him out, my poor
baby, and he was black. He's covered in soot and very
afraid. He has to stay in my room to keep from breathing
in all the smoke and junk from the den, and to keep out of
the way of the cleaning crew.
It's almost one. I can get six hours of sleep if I go to
sleep right now. I'm not very tired though, even though I
haven't slept in almost 24 hours. Everyone else is asleep.
My poor parents have to be absolutely exhausted. My dad
was slurring his words. But I tend to be able to run on
high for a few days without sleep. I have that power, and
lots of Dr. Pepper to keep me company. The really cool
thing, is that the hotel front desk called around eleven
and said that they heard about our situation and are very
sorry, and empathize with us. And they wanted to give us
some popcorn and movies, free courtesy of the hotel. I was
the only person up, so I answered the door when I heard
knocking and it was a security guard holding a ton of
gifty stuff. He handed me a card, a mug full of candy
wrapped up in pretty paper :), popcorn, and some stuffed
animals. He smiled and told me he was very sorry to hear
about our house and said if there was anything we needed
to just call the front desk. It was so sweet and so lovely
that they would do that for us. It made me feel happy to
know that there are actually people with souls. Shit I
just remembered I promised Jo I'd take him down to the
pool in the morning. I can't, I have class. Damn, he's
gonna be disappointed. He was taking the fire pretty
rough. He thought it was his fault because he lit the
candle that started it. My mom thought it was her fault
because she went around blowing out candles and that was
the only one she missed. My dad thinks it's his fault
because he didn't move the couch away from the flame,
because he didn't ever put batteries in the smoke
detector, because there was more he could do. I'm the only
one that doesn't think it's my fault. I mean, I could have
blown it out, but I didn't actually see it so...
And they keep trying to tell us that it's no one's
fault, and that it just matters that we're all safe, but I
know we all secretly blame eachother. It's pretty sad. But
we're trying to stay optimistic and say that it'll be
great and we've been meaning to redo the living room
anyways. And this opened our eyes to just how filthy our
house really was, and we knew it was nasty, but seeing it
like this is just like murder on our insides. So we're
going to clean it all up, and I'll take this op to switch
rooms with my brother while all the renovations are going
on. And mom's putting us on a socalled strict low carb
diet. WELL this was a long entry and I kind of have to
pee, so I'm gonna end it here and write again with an
update on where I am and how everything is going.

p.s. I haven't stopped shaking yet. My mom tried to cover
me up with a robe and blankets and whatnot, but still I
shook like mad. She said I might end up with Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder...but I've read about it before
and I don't show all of the symptoms. But then again I
haven't gone to sleep yet so I don't know if I'll wake up
in a violent fit of rage...um but I doubt it. And staying
up all night has nothing to do with it, I'm not afraid to
go to sleep or anything. I just keep shaking, and having
flashbacks, but that doesn't mean I have the disorder.
That's normal. Whatever, mom's stressed out too.

All right. It's really really time to go now. I have ash
in my nose. Gross. I sneeze soot. Yum. On that note, good


lyric for the day:

Piece by piece and bit by bit,
I'll break this down for you, real slow.
But I can't whisper all of this,
And I can't seem to let this go.

So I watch the matches
Turn to ashes,
I watch the matches
Turn to ashes.

Well I can tell it's your turn,
I smell the sulfur so clear,
And fire's a beautiful sound,
And the wings that you burn
Turn to ashes, my dear,
And ashes just fall to the ground.
Yeah, we're only ashes.

Part by part and inch by inch,
You'll have your mile when it's through.
Incinerate what's left of this,
And torch the part of me that's you.

So I watch the matches
Turn to ashes.

Well I can tell it's your turn,
I smell the sulfur so clear,
And fire's a beautiful sound.
And the wings that you burn
Turn to ashes, my dear,
And ashes just fall to the ground.
Yeah, we're only ashes.

-"Only Ashes", Something Corporate

eh...I thought it was appropriate...