The Apple

Fresh Words
Ad 2:
2004-06-25 03:49:32 (UTC)

6.24.04 The Unfamiliar Bathroom Sequence

I decided to post a draft of my work. Hope you enjoy.

For most males, the Unfamiliar Bathroom Sequence is
impulsively abided by. A man who steps into an unfamiliar
bathroom has a lot to think about. Men already in the
bathroom always want to see the enterer’s face for some
reason. If eye contact is made, a mutual head-nod
obligation is in effect. This is uncomfortable for
both parties, as no one looks forward to saying hello to a
complete stranger of the same sex in a room where the
sounds of zippers opening and closing is constantly echoing
off the walls. Stall selection in this situation is
critical. Every male has mastered concealing the confusion
that is evident in this process. He must make it look
natural, as if he had pre-determined the stall before
entering the bathroom. There are, however, many factors
that play into our final stall selection. First, the man
eyes down the other users. He makes a mental note of their
height, weight, and how tough they seem to him. He only
uses this information in an extreme case, but he knows he
must keep it on file just to be safe. After the male is
aware of other users, he begins the phase of stall
examination. First, he notes the extension of the bottom
portion of the urinal. How far it extends will directly
affect his posture during execution and distance we are
away from the stall. Then, we check the
stall for the unpleasant remnants that are typical in the
men’s room. It is natural to favor a stall with less
unpleasant remnants, but one must remember to consider all
factors before jumping to a hasty decision. Our focus then
turns to the flusher. Most men feel more comfortable with
the automatic flusher. This way, he doesn’t have to think
about the hand-to-flusher experiences that the previous
users went through. Also, some flushers are covered with
rust or this green substance that remains to be
identified. Needless to say, it is best to stay away from
these urinals. Once the man has eyed down the other users
and evaluated each available stall, he is ready to make a
decision. The most important thing in stall decision-making
is distance. For a bathroom in which the amount of stalls
is at least twice the amount of users, there must be at
least one stall in between each user. If possible, it is
best to just choose the stall closest to the entrance to
avoid insinuations of preferring being next to one user
over another. If the bathroom is overcrowded, however, the
mental notes we made earlier come into play. In the
interest of their ego, men go out of their way to choose a
stall next to a man with a rather scrawny frame. This way,
if the worst occurs, and a fight breaks out, the man will
feel a lot more comfortable. This entire thought process,
as detailed as it may be, occurs in less than ¾ of a
second. The male has a way of making tons of thinking look
casually fluent in the washroom. The final decision is
significant. Once you decide, there is no turning back:
It’s an unwritten rule. Execution is considered either the
most difficult step, or the simplest step. There is
only one primary rule: only use vertical eyesight.
Eliminating the use of all horizontal vision is essential.
Head turns, looking through the corner of the eye, and any
horizontal body shift must never be done. If restlessness
and boredom plague the man during execution, there are
three companions in whom you can fully rely: the ceiling,
the wall directly in front of you, and the floor. Just
remember to stay within your limits of 180 degree vertical
eyesight. A man in an unfamiliar bathroom must always
remember one very important thing: Silence. The men’s room
is, under no circumstances, a notorious place for making
friends. Even among those who have known each other for
many years, communication is kept to a minimum, and usually
depicted through subtle head gestures. The only noises in
the men’s room should be footsteps, the zipping up and down
of zippers, the running water, the sigh of urinary relief,
and the occasional grumble.

Alix Coupet, ladies and gentlemen....