jen

Too Much to Say
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2004-06-24 16:23:55 (UTC)

and the cycle continues

i read in someone's journal today about letting go. not
letting go in order to forget, but letting go and giving to
God.

wow! it's so bizarre! i always know when someone is
praying for me! i KNOW my mom has been since last week's
bible study. and i know she hadn't been before that. i
can feel it. i can feel it because something is changing
in my heart, yet i've done nothing to spark it. someone
else is sending out an SOS for me.

i let go once. well, i've given up a lot of things to god
through out my life, but i really just let go only
once...and it was incredible. i was at church camp and i
don't even remember the message. i just remember what God
was saying to me the whole service. "would you give it up
for me?" "will you let it go for me?" i argued with him
the entire hour. i never thought i would so brazenly say
no to GOD. but i did. and i fought and i fought and I
FOUGHT--my mind a battlefield--NO GOD! I CAN'T GIVE IT
UP!

stillness.

"then you don't love me..."

those few words lingered in the air for a moment, then hit
me smack in the chest. i began sobbing uncontrollably and
i ran down the isle as the preacher presented the alter
call. i (metaphorically) threw everything at my Lord's
feet. my worries, my hopes, MY DREAMS!!! i pried my
fingers off of my dreams. and it hurt, oh it hurt to give
away something i treasured so much. but in that instant it
was as if this giant brick wall standing between me and my
savior had crumbled. i felt like i could see him clearly
for the first time! i was running towards HIM. i could
practically feel his arms wrap around me.

...i want that again.


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