Meesa and Leglin's secret pi

moshing kiwis
2004-06-23 04:10:13 (UTC)

choke on every dream you've ever had...

it's been a rough few days. today i haven't cried much, but
saturday, sunday and monday were hell. i feel like nothing
more than a whore...i did it out of curiousity and because
i wanted to make him happy, because i like to see my
friends happy, i didn't do it for me...there goes my
virginity...it makes me upset and angry with myself. i want
to punnish myself for what he did to leesa...but if mac
sees the cuts he'll freak out and worry so i can't make any
even though i want to. i've been no saint with the sissors
and blades, but that was in may so it's almost faded
completely away, i think it'll be a light scar this time.
but i can't do much else...leesa will continue to feel pain
even if i try to feel it for her.
it really tore me up inside, i'm far from being back to
normal, but i'm feeling better today because in 48 hours
i'll be at my grandparents' house and i'll be stepping off
the bus and seeing mac waiting for me there at the bus stop
and i'll be able to just hug him and hold onto till i know
everything will get better and he'll lean down and...will
he kiss me? likely, he says i'm an awesome kisser, but
right now i sort of want to be untouchable all at once...no
matter how i want him i already feel like i've been
dirtied. he says stuff like he'll gladly have me anyway i
come, that i'm better than christmas, better than thc, and
that he's my mac-machine and stuff...he says the sweetest,
most wonderful things and even though i get scared when he
talks about us maybe living together and falling in love
with me, it scares me but at the same time i think he means
it and part of me wants to believe it, this little thrill
spreads from my navel and races through my whole body. if
jesse was a girl i'd be all over him...guys hurt too
often...
like a.b..every so often i swear i can smell him all
over my skin and i feel sick at those times, i have to
fight not to cry if i'm in public when i notice. first he
was angry, then he pulled the whole "i love you, i'd never
lie to you" but he did lie, and then he did the "i want to
die because of you!" thing and i felt like i was
drowning...i really wanted to believe him...i couldn't look
at him at school, i knew he was there so i put on my too-
big sunglasses so nobody would see my eyes threatening to
over-flow. it just hurts so much...i regret
everything...sometimes when i think of him i want to cut
off all my skin and soak in a vat of bleech and then rip
out my uterus and burn it and scrape off my breasts and rip
out my hair...it hurts that bad that sometimes i want to
remove ever spec of my dna he came in contact with...it
makes me feel sick to think of him at all. i would get
vicious when i thought of him, but now i loose all energy
whenever i hear his name, i can't even say it without
feeling cold and lost and hopeless...i made a big mistake.
darnell and casey have been great, totally there for me,
and we all hugged today before the english exam...i don't
want to let them all go. but will i ever see them again?
i'm not sure. that sort of scares me, not knowing if i'll
see those who matter. the home-home isn't like p-ville, at
home-home everyone dispearses all over the place to do
different things, you don't just see them everytime you
walk down the road. anyways, i have so much to do before i
leave so i'll end this now.
cyaz
~meg


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