dragon_amor

Kami
2004-06-21 21:44:58 (UTC)

skinhead

what is wrong with my head

I just watched a movie last night on how the US government
is systematically taking over the world by securing
resources, going psi-ops on the public, generating mass
crisis under the name of terrorism so that the public will
trade their liberties for "security" which is nothing more
than tracked slavery in a would-be cashless society where
people have implanted microchips and national ID cards.
The scary thing is that it is already so far underway.
There ARE people wearing embedded microchips, there are
public army projects where they stage takeover scenarios
to accustom the population to seeing tanks on your
highways and soldiers running through your back yard with
automatics. What they don't publicize is that it is
Christians who talk about conspiracy theories or make
reference to constitutional rights or human rights that
are seen as terrorists, according to CIA and FBI training -
and this training is being extended into regular police
as well. Almost makes me want to suppport the NRA.

Anyway, a lot of this shit on the head, and my brain still
hasn't started to really feel yet and I am getting worried.

Breezy dropped by today and cuddled, but left comparing me
to her two previous ex boyfriends. That didn't "feel"
good at all, but I couldn't really "feel" it. I just know
I didn't like it, but I couldn't really "feel" to the
extent that I react to it. It is weird. I hate
repression. I dunno what is going through her head. Last
night, from out of nowhere, she pointed out that she
wasn't my girlfriend for some reason? I really don't
understand why it came up, I mean, I could assert that I
am not a purple dinosaur from out of nowhere too, but it
never crossed my mind to validate the point - so why did
relationship status cross her mind? You know what I mean?

Maybe I am missing something pretty important in not
feeling?

I dunno, I just know I don't like this repression, I don't
like being referenced to other boys, I don't like being
bored, and I don't like being alone.

I don't like a lot about Friday night, and I know this
head thing of mine started that night, and I know this
thing is somehow a reaction to how seeing Breezy with that
girl at the bar, but I also know I don't want to talk
about it, or bring it up because I don't want to look like
I'm rubbing it in anyones face or blaming anyone for
anything or whatever. MAybe from reflex I feel this way.
Good reflexes? I dunno. Maybe I ought to blame someone?
Maybe I ought to point my finger at the person who made me
feel this way, but I can't because I can't seperate my
feelings from the cause yet. Is it a problem in my
response, or is it a problem in how I'm treated? I don't
know for sure, and having a self-hate bias doesn't help me
figure this out.




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