The Blue of my Oblivion
to my tubesock
This entry is dedicated entirely to Tubesock, who died
last night at 11:37pm.
No, this entry is dedicated entirely to Tubesock, who
always pours his heart out to me, and I am either too blind
to see it, or I reject it. I am not a very nice person, I'm
sorry. This has to be a short entry because it's 7:25 and I
have to go start getting ready soon, so you can read this
today while I'm gone. First of all, sorry my entries were
so long. Second, is it really that huge of a deal if I
don't mention you in every single entry? I know how you
feed off of these entries because you are somewhat more
inside my head for reading them, but what I'm feeling when
I write them isn't always exactly how I feel all the time.
And Tubesock - Alex, it would be marvelous if you went
with me to the ball. I've never been to the ball part, or
I've been IN it just not TO it as a guest. And the parade
would be fun, we'd watch it from the balcony with all the
fancy people. It's not really my kind of crowd. I try to
steer clear of fancy people because I just like kicking
back and staying relaxed, but I think I can maybe put up
with them for a night while trying to enjoy everything. I
was thinking about asking Max to go actually, because
honestly, Max is my BEST friend. He's like...my everything.
Because I've known him for nine years - that's over half of
my life that I've known him. And because we're so alike in
almost every aspect. Ya know? It's like you have Applex,
and I have Max. But when I say that Max is my best friend,
don't take it like you're not even my friend at all. You
are one of my closest friends. I love going places with
you. Hell, I saw movies with you when I was going out with
someone else, even when I knew it was probably wrong. But I
always had a good time with you. You have no idea how
excited I was when I thought I was going to go on the trip
with you, or last night when you said we should "jam"
sometime. I think we totally should. Anyway, the ball isn't
for months anyway, so I have lots of time to figure out who
I want my date to be. I don't know what's going to happen
within these next few months. Hell, I don't know what's
going to happen in the next few minutes. Actually I'll
probably get up and go get a poptart or something, but
I don't know why you haven't been able to get me from
your thoughts, but please don't blame it on me. I can't
control what goes on in there. And neither can you, really.
That sounds like what happened with me the first two weeks
after my breakup. You feel like the person is your oxygen,
and without them you might as well be dead. For whatever
reason, I'm that person for you. And I don't know if I
should be or shouldn't be or what.
You just have to understand that I've been thrown around
a lot. So I'm trying to do things right so I don't end up
heartaching all over again. When you talked about sucking
up to cover up wrong doings, my eyes got really wide and I
had to scream, "WHAT?" Yeah I think I woke up my
brother...oh well, he's ten, he doesn't need that much
sleep anyway...ANYWAY! You said when saying, "I just want
to be friends," the girl ever thinks about how much she's
killing the guy. Do you think I've never felt that? Think
about everything that's happened to me in the last month,
and then ask yourself if I think about how much I'm
hearting someone. I know what that's like, okay? I'm not
sawing your head off, I don't mean to put any hurt on you.
Just like Applex never meant to put any hurt on me. It's
just how it goes...you're normal for feeling that way. And
all I can do is tell you I'm sorry, that's all I can do. I
don't like you as anything more than a friend, for your
confirmation. I don't know what you're feeling right now.
Your heart probably felt like it stopped there for a
second. But think about it Alex. You are disappointed, but
not surprised. That would be like you dating Applex - if he
were a woman. But again, I don't know where life is going
to take me even in the next few minutes. Who knows what
will happen once school starts up again.
I'd really like for you to come to the cabin with us. It
might end up just three guys and me...I'm not sure yet. And
as for your name, Tubesock, I dunno it was the first thing
that I saw. I was wearing a tubesock...and I was thinking
hey tubesock, that's cool, and I was talking to you. And I
was reading in this book, the girl thought that her crush
was about as sexy as a tubesock. And I'm thinking hey wait,
tubesocks are kind of sexy, in a...redneck...kind of way.
But sexy all the same. And dammit, your name for me is Cow.
I don't see how that is ANY less flattering than tubesock.
You may be the thing a guy fake masterbated with in a
movie, but I'm a goddamn cow! I'm slaughtered for my fat!
I'm a power child for fat! No one says you're a fat
tubeosck, people say you're a fat cow.
I really have to get going now. I didn't make it as short
as I wanted to, and I have to be ready in fifteen minutes.
Yikes. So I'll talk to you when I get home.
Please don't stay mad at me.
Lyric of the day:
"I'm sorry sorry for making your life a living hell"
- "sorry sorry", Rooney
hey that reminds me... I need my cd's back from Alexa...