I can't describe how I feel any better than this, because
I can't really feel right now. I can tell I am repressing
everything, I just can't seem to be able to do anything
about it. I have no ... I dunno.
I am lost, I guess.
I feel like I am leaning completely on logic and faint
traces of feelings or memories of feelings, but ont any
actual feelings at the moment.
Or, at least, I'm not letting myself feel any of them.
It started the other night when I went to the Jimmy Swift
concert at the Roseland in New Glasgow. I had to sell pot
to afford anything cause I was broke, so I did, and paid
$7 for me, and $7 for Breezy, and bought a pack of
smokes. I only got to have 2 of the cigarettes and rhen I
lost the pack somewhere. Someone got lucky and found a
free pack of smokes. Anyway, I got there with Raymond
Hedd amd Breezy ,and this drunk guy that followed us
there. We hung out, I watched the first set while Breezy
ran off with some friends of hers that she never seems to
want to introduce me to, and also went off to talk to an
ex boyfriend of hers, the one she cheated on me with, in
my definition of cheating, which differs from hers (she
broke up wiht me before the public declaration of going
out wiht him, so it isn;t cheating to her - for me, the
intent was there to have him before dropping me, so it
was). Anyway, after the first set, went out for a smoke,
and had a bowl behind the Roseland with Breezy, and later
another wiht her and Raymond on the tracks - then Breezy
went in to pee, and we smoked more , and had a chior march
by?? it was weird, and I think they were Penticostal
sheep. Fucktards. Anyway, second set, I lost Raymond
somewhere, and went up to find Breezy, found her dancing,
but it was New Glasgow, I can't dance here?? So I got
into body guard mode to make sure no inbred hick tried to
molest my flower while she enjoiyed the music dancing -
motioned a few hicks away from her through the night, but
it ended in watching her make out with a girl all set.
about an hour, an hour and a half. and I broke inside...
She came to me later to tell me that she had hooked up
with a chick and was going to her house, then corrected it
as going to a party - so I assumed she was going to make
out with the girl, so I went outside, watched myself get
treated like a secret by her, and abruptly left.
The day had started so good, though - I made her a CD
collection of our songs (mp3's), and a "best of" audio
CD. She loved it, I met her familiar (pet bird) Aleda,
and then later I went on a drive to Antigonish and back
with Steve. I had a nap, and then went to a show. The
music was awesome. But the night broke me. I couldn't
handle seeing her sexually exicted for someone else, for
someone of the opposite sex, for someone she met at a bar,
for someone she met at a bar in New Glasgow - I never felt
so insignificant in all my life. Things started to wash
over me emotionally - and I broke.
Like a repressed mountain of feelings hanging over my
head, so many different feelings, many bad, many good,
many extreme, many subtle, and none I can make clear sense
I'm in limbo, and am affraid I am going to crack open.
But I don't want to. I don't want to let anyone do this
to me. Raymond comapred Breezy to Kari Keating that
night, and it is a comparison I myself have resisted for
some time. But there are some truths to this comparison,
perhaps. Kari was a very selfish person, very focussed on
her needs and wants, and very easily ignored anyone
elses. She was great at making excuses and justifications
for this, and very vocal, loud, and charismatic in her
delivery of them. She demanding to be understood on her
terms - as rightfully selfish - though she would call it
something prettier in its wording - a spade is a spade.
But I never allowed my self to draw the line comparison
because Kari raped me when I was 17.
Maybe my heart is being raped now?
It might explain why I am so closed off.