2004-06-20 06:34:31 (UTC)

My Love

For about three months of my junior year of high school I
pretty much had a death wish. The person who was supposed
to be my best friend, decided we weren't going to be
friends anymore and the person I knew in my heart was to be
my first love shut me out. So the last thing I wanted to do
was live. So I did things I now regret, and which im not
going to discuss, because I was not happy. But now, I have
Brett back in my life. He is my life. I love everything
about him and every second I am not with him, I think about
him, what he is doing and if he is thinking of me. But
recently I have found I cannot make him happy. Especially
in the past week, I have been unable to do anything right.
I have made him upset and I didn't even realize I would do
this, or else I wouldn't have. So anyways, tonight, after
he got off work we went to the Levee to see "The Cronicles
of Riddick" (not my choice)and I was really tired but i
forced myself to stay awake thru that whole stupid movie
and i guess at the end i had shut my eyes and brett was
like you were sleeping and i could have sworn i wasn't
asleep bc i tried so hard to watch that movie bc i knew it
was something he wanted to see and i just wanted to be with
him. so he keeps telling i fell asleep and i kept denying
it, and i guess by reaction and due to sleep deprivation (i
haven't had more than 5 hours a sleep each night for the
past month) but i reached out and hit him, not hard, just a
tap, but its still the fact i hit him. so he got really
pissed and left me in the theater. so yea, we get in his
car and i started to cry bc recently i have been feeling
like i dont deserve brett and that i am holding him back
and i am not good enough for him. But I guess that comes
along with the whole depression deal. Who knows. There
isn't much I can do about it now bc all my fuck ups are
done and over with and i just have to hope that brett can
find it in his heart to forgive me for being who i am and
not making him happy. I love him with everything I have,
and I hope one day he will realize that. Hoobastank says it
best: "im not a perfect person, theres many things i wish i
didn't do, but i continue learning, i never meant to do
those things to sorry that i hurt you, its
something i must live with everyday, and all the pain i put
you thru, i wish that i oculd take it all away..."

Brett your my reason.... I love you.