You Can't Go Home Again
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2004-06-18 21:37:16 (UTC)

Aboard My Submarine

I can't help but feel empty. I need to meditate or
something on this, I can't help but feel abandoned. Why
didn't I see this coming? Oh yeah, I did.

Ahh here we are, January 31st 2004.
"Then there's the lady. Whenever a free moment runs
through my mind, bam. There she is. In my head. Mocking me,
because I can't be with her right then. It's an addiction,
really. I need more and more to get my fix. A vicious
cycle. Because everyone knows one day that lady will loose
interest in this younger man, and she'll find someone her
own age, perhaps an old relationship re-sparked. That day
will come. So X= number of days before she realizes I'm
boring. X divided by 3 times 2= the number of days untill
she tells me I'm no longer interesting. I'm no longer cute,
I'm no longer adorable, I'm no longer funny, I'm not longer
the one she loves. "

Well, so most of that hasn't happened, with the telling
me I'm not cute and that she doesn't love me.
I'm really just over-reacting. She has a little crush on
a guy closer to her age. That's not really a big deal, is
it? I just can't help but be paranoid. But be worried. How
big is this crush going to get? What is the value of X? I'm
still wondering. God I love her.
I just feel so alone.

Whatever, this time I'll just have to tell myself that
everything will be alright. I can do that. Right?