polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-06-18 04:38:55 (UTC)

not gonna break

I've been single now for almost a month. Actually only
like three or something weeks, but that counts in some way.
And it's kind of weird, thinking about how this time last
year I was waiting for Cohen to call. This time last month
I was waiting for school to be over. This time last week I
was waiting for my life to get back on track. And a few
hours ago I was watching vh1's "most awesome makeouts" with
Michelle. That was a little weird...

Cohen, I remember Cohen. I loved Cohen like a fat kid
loves cake. He was so much fun. I had a secret crush on him
for a good four months before he figured me out (and when
he did figure me out, everyone could tell, mostly because
at the bell he grabbed me and kissed me). He was the only
other person in this universe who I knew that loved Nirvana
as much as I do. He was the only guy who would ever call,
just to talk. God and we could talk for hours just about
music and about movies and it was so wonderful. He would
even call me from his friend's houses just because he
missed me, and when he would babysit he'd call me from the
house. And we would stay online all night talking about the
strangest things. And we saw movies together and he'd do
the corniest things ever. He actually fake yawned to put
his arm around me. And he lent me Donnie Darko and called
every day just to see if I'd watched it. And when I finally
did, we spent forever talking about how awesome it was. And
he wrote this really funny poem, "I love you like the Hulk
loves his purple pants" and it made me laugh every time.
And every time one of us had to get off of the phone he'd
pause for a second, and I could just see him rolling his
eyes, and he'd say, "I love you," and hang up. And all
within one week, we'd gone from that to, "I just don't know
if I can stay loyal while you're gone, ya know? It'd just
be better if we were just friends. Here, download the
asshole song by Jude, that's how I feel right now. I'm
sorry." And that was it, I haven't talked to him since
then. I wonder what it would be like if I saw him right
now. I haven't seen him in a whole year. That's crazy. A
lot of people have seen him though, especially Alexa. His
hair is long, and he's still playing guitar she says. He
even recorded a cd. Just like he always said he would. If I
saw him now, what would we say? We'd probably hug, and ask
how the other has been, and say wow it's been so long. And
a minute would pass and we'd remember that I'm just the
girl from last summer. And as much as I love all that time
we spent enjoying eachother, I'm so mad that he just threw
me away like a broken toy. That that's all I am to him.

But I didn't really care at the time. In fact, my mind
was somewhere else, on a different guy. And that was a
great medicine for me. And Chris, oh Lord, then there's
Chris. What a huge dork. I wasn't as close to Chris as I
was to Cohen. Cohen was more like my best friend. Chris was
like a guy that walked me to class, made me feel better
when I was upset about something, and hugged me when I did
and didn't need it. And he has never failed an attempt to
make me laugh. And when he said, "Would you mind if we were
just friends?" I didn't, because that's all we really had
been for the previous months, and as sad as I was to hear
that we were going to be "just" friends, at least we were
friends. And he's the only boyfriend I've had that has
actually stayed really good friends with me. I mean, we're
closer than we've ever been. And that's so funny, because I
used to like him so much and now when I think about it,
it's like oh gross! But then I smile and know that I really
did like him. But for a whole summer I was still thinking
about the quiet guy who sat behind me in English class (and
only because I had to fight Zach for the seat - it's lucky
that I hit hard and Zach is a big ninny). And for two whole
years I haven't not thought about him. And I'd get sad when
he left class for a soccer game in another state, and I
wouldn't be able to talk to him a few days.

I have had so many crushes I could write a book about
them all. Each boy a new chapter. And as much hell as I
went through trying to get over them, I eventually did get
through it. And now they are only memories. I don't even
care that none of them like me anymore, but I'm really
happy that I have had some really great boyfriends and that
I sort of have gotten friends out of it. I am still very
very young, and haven't experienced the core of life yet.
They say this is the hardest time of everyone's life, this
age I'm at now. They have all these great things for
seniors in high school and people in college, and great
things for little kids still in elementary school. All they
tell for us freshy freshmen is that it's going to suck. And
then they leave us alone. But I know that as much as it
sucks now, it's going to get better, so I just have to hang
in there. And the summer is has just started. I just got
out of school. I have a ton of time to get over everything
that's gone on and get myself ready for good ole br high.
And hopefully it will kick ass, and not suck Mrs. Marshall
balls.

------------------------------------------------------------
I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not
gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it.
I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm
over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna
break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm
not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over
it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break.
I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not
gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it.
I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm
over it. I'm not gonna break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna
break. I'm over it. I'm not gonna break.

I'm not over it. I'm gonna break.
------------------------------------------------------------

And while I am not yet over Applex, he is over me, and
while a month ago our profiles were adorned with "I
love..." and now his is dedicated to someone else, and mine
is song lyrics, a movie quote, and a conversation between
me and denny (my gay cali-friend), it's only fair that I
finally get some rest as well. Every day I tell myself I'm
over it, and every night I go to sleep wishing I was going
to wake up the next day and REALLY be over it. What's
annoying is that I haven't seen my Mary all summer. Mary,
the girl every guy wants but can't have, making them want
her even more. And when Mary signs on, the one or two
people (if that many) who are talking to me stop. And when
she signs off they talk to Michelle (and when I say they, I
probably mean he) even though she thinks t[he]y are
annoying, boring twits. But it has only just begun and even
though twenty-four hours is a lot of time, it's only twenty-
four hours and there's another twenty-four hours after that
anyway, so there's nothing for me to worry about. After
all, tomorrow is a new day and the day after tomorrow was a
bad movie. So really, all I can do now is be confident that
everything is okay, but when it's not I have to be able to
recognize it and not be blinded by WANTING to be okay. I
haven't cut at all through any of this, which is great. I'm
going to be optimistic, and fun to be around. I don't think
I'll date for a while, because at the place I am right now,
boys are a waste of energy because they're only going to
get tired of me and move on. That's all they ever do
anyway. So I'm going to work hard in class, and on the
movie, and once school starts up I'm going to burry myself
in work and strive for a 4.0 because I loved the feeling of
having all a's.

It's going to be amazing.

------------------------------------------------------------
quote:

"No matter how long the night, the day is sure to come. No
matter how hard it rains, the sun is back there somewhere."

-me, ironically :)




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