friggie7779

Tales of a frigniggit
2004-06-17 13:41:27 (UTC)

Yet another pseudo-epiphany in a long line of pseudo-epiphanies.

I need to let some friends go.

This is a painful thing to have to acknowledge, but it
doesn't change the fact that I have to. Nor would it be the
first time that I have done so. The first time was because
we had grown apart in too many ways, and we no longer were
the friends we once were. Before we could be ok with being
friends again, we had to go live our own lives away from
each other. So far, that friendship has not been reformed.
Strangely though, I don't really care. In fact, I'm happier
that said friendship is no more, as it truly a larger
burden than I had expected. Perhaps that may sound a bit
cold, but I very much doubt that I am the only person to
have to come to such a conclusion, or that it wouldn't be
any more or less understandable in their situation. As
such, I'm sure anyone who reads the following can relate,
at least minimally.

So here goes-

I've been friends with Tammy, Tommy, Scott, and a whole
host of other Juggalos for a while. (Juggalo- Insane Clown
Posse freak. Not fan- they're much, much, much more devoted
to ICP than any mere fan.) I hung out with them mainly
because of the fact that they are all potheads, and I
wanted to get back into toking up again. I eventually
became closer friends with them, and even warmed up to ICP
to the point that they considered me a Juggalo, though I
don't really consider myself as such. Oh, I lied to myself
quite a bit to try and convince myself that I was, but in
the end I just don't compare with them. I like ICP, but I
don't listen only to them, as my friends do. So I can't
really see myself as deserving of that title. It's just too
bad. Oh well. Anyway, a lot of stuff happened that opened
my eyes to the situation I was in. And I didn't like what I
saw. I tried to forget about that, and just try and be
happy with things anyhow, but in the end I just couldn't. I
felt bad about the neglect that I was contributing to
towards Tammy and Tommy's younger brother and sister. I
felt bad about helping minors drink. I felt bad about
toking up, and the damage it was doing to not only my
wallet, but to my own family relationships as well.
Which leads us to now. I haven't spoken with them in almost
2 weeks. I don't know if I will after this entry. Again. I
think that I may just once, and I may also go over to say
goodbye, have one last smoke of the ganj, and then farewell.

I don't want to have to do this, but I don't like the
person that I've become hanging out with them, and I don't
see myself getting any better being around them. I also
don't see it as my right to try and make them aware of the
things that I consider wrong about them, because they were
like this before I met them, and will be after I leave, no
matter what I say. Besides, it's not for me to govern their
lives- I've scarcely any right to consider my own any
better. At least right now.

As for why I call this a pseudo-epiphany; well, we all have
come to forks in the road that we know eventually we have
to make a decision about. Sometimes we decide on one, only
to change our minds later. In my case, sometimes is more
like most of the time. I keep coming to realizations about
myself, like the one I just have and the situation I'm now
in, but one way or the other I never do anything with the
new knowledge because it means changing in a way that I'm
just not ready to do yet. I keep saying,'Soon, I will, soon
I will.' Usually the decision is made for me. And so, my
life has been out of my control for a long time. That has
got to end. I'm tired of going further down the spiral. I
haven't hit bottom yet, but I'm getting close. A part of me
truly wants to hit bottom; the part of me that hates myself
and wants to punish myself. Do I give into this? Sometimes
the prospect is truly tempting, which makes it all the more
frightening. And exhausting. I keep going up and down this
path, and it's time to stray off course. For good.

It's the where to that's keeping me from doing so.

And so, I come to yet another impasse. But at least I knew
beforehand that I would. I'm too much of a coward for it to
be otherwise.

As for Tammy and Tommy, well, I still don't want to go over
to see them, though as I've said, I will probably end up
going anyway. Well, whichever, I'll be back.
Here, I mean. To add another entry.

Bye for now.




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