Pieces of Me
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2004-06-14 04:33:07 (UTC)


Sometimes I definitely think that there's something wrong
with me.

Something more than how much I hate myself or all the bad
things that have happened to me.
Maybe it's a combination of everything...I'm not sure.

I don't know what it is, exactly, but just the fact that
I'm becoming more aware of it helps a little. It's kind of
weird because... I do certain things, think certain
things, and act a certain way because I think it will make
me feel better.... But in the long run, if and when I get
what I want out of it, it actually makes me feel worse.
And yet, when I think about making a conscious effort to
quit being that way, it gets me down because I don't want
to change it.

Anyway, I'm sure no one really knows what I'm talking
about, but I guess I don't really want anyone to know what
I'm talking about.... That's just a little too much of me,
I suppose.

I've been thinking these past couple of days about some of
my friends and how important they are to me. These
thoughts were provoked by one friend in particular whom I
haven't really heard from or had a conversation with in
sooo long... and he's one of the few people who knows me
almost as well as I know myself (and sometimes he's even
got me figured out before I do).

Having a relationship like that really means a lot to me.

The fact that that friendship in particular means so much
to me makes me laugh a little because of the slight irony
involved... but I'm glad I've got him around anyway.

I just found out today that my grandpa is on kidney
dialysis. No one told me about it, and I guess he got
started on it a few days ago. That was nice, huh?

He's 82 now, so I don't expect him to be perfectly healthy
(and in fact, he hasn't been perfectly healthy for as long
as I've been alive), but not too long ago he was about as
active as a man his age with advanced arthritis can be,
and that includes walking.
But since his stroke or whatever the heck it was (no one
ever really told us for sure) he's been stuck in a wheel
chair, and he doesn't look the same. Now he's on kidney

It's hard for me to watch, honestly. Seeing all of this
happen to him and noticing all of the changes in him
reminds me of my other grandpa before he died of cancer.
He's so weak, his hair is thinner and more matted, and he
looks like he's been losing weight.
That scares me.
I realize that we all have our time to go, but there are
better ways to do it, after all. It was hard enough
watching someone I love go through it the first time, but
I hope I don't have to watch it again.

Anyway... I guess that's enough for me.
At least for now....